‘Mothering’ Sunday

‘Mothering’ Sunday

I haven’t blogged in a long time. In fact, I didn’t ever finish writing the birth story. Or our struggle with feeding.  It’s all a bit hazy now and feels a lifetime ago.  I think that’s why people go on to have 1 or 2+ children more…

But I find myself tonight with the urge to blog. Mothering Sunday and its imminence has made me feel the need.

Felicity is now 7 and a half months old. Still I really struggle with the term ‘mother’. I find it so hard to believe that this girl of perfection is my daughter.  When people cuddle Flic and hand her back to me, saying ‘go to your mum’, I find myself thinking ‘Oh yes, that’s me.  I’m her MUM!’ I worry everyday that I’m not doing her justice as her mother, that I’m not doing enough ‘stuff’ with her and that I’m not good enough. I think that’s pretty normal and that they call that ‘Mum Guilt’.  It’s worst on the days I feel most sleep deprived and deranged. I still feel that someone will knock on the door one day and say “Look, you’ve had your fun being her mum, hand her back now.” I know that sounds ridiculous but I think it’s just a hangover from waiting and struggling to become pregnant and have a child.

So, this Sunday is Mothering Sunday. A day I’ve avoided like the plague for the last 6 years +. I’ve no idea how I’m going to feel come Sunday.  Part of me doesn’t want to celebrate it as it doesn’t seem fair to ‘go to the other side’ and celebrate becoming a mum when others are still struggling to become mothers or have lost their mums. Another part of me wants to really celebrate the fact that Felicity is here with us and part of our family at long last.

So, how it’s actually going being a ‘Mother’??:

Felicity is 7.5 months old.  She’s fantastic and brings so much joy to our lives.  She’s such a happy little girl and is so smiley and funny. Her character is really starting to show; she’s very headstrong and shows her preferences loud and clear!

She is now on solids (and has been a while) and LOVES her food.  We started off on baby rice and porridge and moved onto purees (fruit and veg). She hasn’t refused anything yet. She’s now eating finger foods too and likes melon, avocado, toast, scrambled eggs etc. and I love cooking stuff for her and watching her taste it.  The dogs are being very good hoovers after she has eaten too and particularly like cleaning up banana pancakes and cheese on toast! She’s still a big milk fan, although sometimes the world is way too interesting and she’d rather be watching/doing and then we end up with a Milk Emergency!

Flic can roll around and crawl backwards and loves her jumperoo and walker.  She is starting to go forwards in her walker (after initially only being able to go backwards!)  and finds the whole thing hilarious.  She loves watching (terrorising) the animals and loves stroking them (under supervision).

We both love going to baby yoga and on playdates with her baby friends. She also likes baby sensory classes and our walks round the park with the dogs.

Sleepwise, she had been doing roughly 6-6, but she’s a bit all over the place at the moment. She’s decided she would like to do an extra night feed (which she HAD dropped at 3-4 months old!) again.  She’s in her own room where she loves the space of the big cot but every now and then I bring her back into her cot in our room when she’s having a bad night to save me being up and down like a yoyo…last night she refused to go down in her own room so I put her back in the Next To Me and she did half 12 to half 6. Napwise, there is just no real routine.  She sleeps in the sling after her breakfast and when we are both dressed and has a longer nap sometimes after her dinner.  It depends on what we are doing. She normally has that nap on me or in the pushchair or the car if we are out. She doesn’t like to nap in the cot. If I manage to get her in the sling in time, I get stuff done. If not, I enjoy a snuggle and a bit of TV time. Baby snuggles are the best ❤

Some days I get tired and past it and cry.  Those days pass. It doesn’t mean I love her any less; it just means I am knackered and can’t see the wood for the trees.  Mothering is constant and there’s no such thing as Time Out.

But all in all, becoming a Mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me and such a privilege. I love watching Felicity growing and developing into such a wonderful little girl. But I will never forget ‘the struggle’.  It has made me who I am now, and most probably shaped me as a Mother.

Here are a few pictures of her taken during the last few months:

 

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So, do you know what you’re having?!

So, do you know what you’re having?!

pink blue

Sorry to those bloggers who have been following our little journey and think I’m about to reveal our baby’s gender. This post is actually just a nod towards those questions that get asked of pregnant people and the reaction that they’re invoking in me.

Of late, it’s becoming a little more obvious that I’m ‘with child’ and not just greedy around the pick n mix (although baby does have a bit of a sweet tooth). These following questions are mostly asked by people who have no idea of our journey to pregnancy – I have met a new group of people since becoming pregnant through a work ‘thing’ and also I hang out with a load of pregnant people every Thursday at aqua-natal class.

*Disclaimer  – if I know you IRL (in real life) and you have asked me any of these questions, it’s totally not a dig – it’s just an insight into how pregnancy and the associated conversations etc. make me feel. I have had to come up with a selection of automatic responses for my own good (and on occasion the person asking them 😉 )

Question: Do you know what you’re having? (Most commonly asked question)

Polite answer: No, not yet.

What I’m thinking? Do I look that fat that I’d know already (I’ve been asked this question since I was 14 weeks pregnant…) Oh my word, they think I’m further along than I actually am. I must stop eating.

Which obviously leads to:

Question: Are you going to find out?

Polite answer: Yes, we’re planning to, if they can tell at our 20 week scan

What I’m thinking? Are you kidding me?? Do you know how long we’ve been waiting for a baby – we’re DYING to know what we’re having!

Question: Do you not want a surprise? (sometimes followed by: If you don’t know what you’re having you’ll push harder) (WTF?!) – Not swearing Mum, that was What the Flip…

Polite answer: No, we want to know so we can plan for the baby

What I’m thinking: Do you know what? There’s been enough surprises along this journey for us already. The gender of the baby will be a surprise to us at 20 weeks, not 40 weeks – and that’s pretty much our choice.  And as for pushing – I can envisage that I’ll be pushing pretty damn hard to meet our little wriggle monkey, whether I know or don’t know its gender…

The surprise for us that we have now got far enough along in a pregnancy that a sonographer would be able to tell our baby’s gender.

Also, unisex baby clothing – yellow, beige or grey anyone??! I want to enjoy these few weeks of baby shopping because we’ve been waiting so long for it.  I want to get adorable newborn stuff that we’ve chosen together as after the baby is born, I can’t see hours of shopping leisurely for baby clothes happening – it’ll be a trolley dash job.

Question: Do you have any preferences?

Polite answer: (To be fair I’ve only been asked this once) No, we just want a healthy baby really.

What I’m thinking: (thought sarcastically) “If it’s not the gender I want, I’m going to be really cross and ask God to take him/her back”

I had to hold my tongue when asked this one.  Seriously.  No. We have no preferences.  God and the miracle of science has blessed us with the child we are meant to have.  And we’ll be over the moon with what loveliness that will be – boy or girl, pink or blue. I actually wanted to scream, “You don’t understand what it took to get this little life inside us – OF COURSE I HAVE NO PREFERENCES!!!!”

Question: Do you have any inklings?

Polite answer: I think it’s a boy. But I’m prepared to be wrong

What I’m thinking: Don’t tell me I’m wrong because I’m carrying low/high/ craving cake/ your Auntie’s best friend’s cousin’s next door neighbour was convinced it was a boy but it was a girl when it came out and she’d already decorated the nursery blue and bought all boy’s clothes. You asked if I had any inklings and I’ve just told you.

Question: Have you thought of any names?

Polite answer: We have a list to choose from when the time comes (thought internally: and no, I’m not telling you any of them)

What I’m thinking: Are you jesting with me? Have we thought of any names??? We have been writing down names for our baby(s) for the best part of 5 years and at this rate, our child is going to have 16 middle names. I actually have no idea how we’re going to whittle it down.

Question: Is this your first? (Only asked by strangers/people I don’t know that well)

Polite answer: Yes it is.

What I’m thinking: No, it’s not.  My first baby was born too soon and is in heaven looking down and smiling at her little family down here.  I’ll never forget her and how she helped us on our way. I would really love to tell you about her, but I know that if I do, I’ll make you feel really awkward. So, I’m going to lie for your benefit and say “Yes, it’s my first”.

 

Ellie <3

Ellie <3

angel

Today is Ellie’s due date.  Whilst I know that hardly any babies make an appearance on their actual due date, it’s the only date we’ve got, and we both intend to remember her on it.

I am quite aware that this date would have been A LOT harder to bear had I not been pregnant again by the time her due date rolled around.  Back in September I did wonder about waiting until after the due date before we commenced IVF2 and a little tiny bit of guilt about ‘replacing’ her does exist within me. But to me, our first baby is irreplaceable and holds a very, very special and unique place in my heart – and will continue to do so whether this pregnancy is ‘The One’ or not.

However, when I think of her these days, it’s often with a smile rather than tears.  I like to think of her as a ‘helper baby’ who helped us to get to where we are now.  She gave us a massive kick up the bottom in such a huge way.  Some of which I want to write about, and some which I don’t.

When we lost Ellie, it reinforced in me just how much I wanted to be a mum and make Husband a daddy.  I felt complete when I was housing her and when she left I felt so very empty.  After the initial grieving period was over, I had this massive urge within myself to do EVERYTHING possible (within my own power) to become pregnant again and stay that way.  I lost weight by eating mega mega healthily and exercised like a crazy person.  I took supplements, had post miscarriage counselling at the fertility clinic to get my mindset sorted. And so going into IVF2, I felt healthier than I had done in years, and not just physically. My mindset going into IVF2 was way better than it had been going into our first try. I was so much more calmer and relaxed about things and very much had a ‘if this is going to work, it’s going to work’ outlook on the whole thing.

The day I went to egg collection, (this is going to sound crazy but bear with…) we were walking into the building and I turned to my Husband and said “Ellie’s with us today, I can feel her.” That’s the last time I ‘felt’ her since losing her. But I felt her in such a lovely way. I really feel like she ‘egged’ (sorry..) our little embryos on that day and watched over them in the lab whilst they were growing.  She’s sent us some beautiful snow today on her due date and I think today we are going to go and play in the snow with the doggies and lay a rose in the memorial garden which is on a little walk nearby.

So, here we are 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant…and hopeful to stay this way.  Little mini-us has been making me very icky since about 6-7 weeks and I had about a week of hardly eating anything except cereal, warm brown wraps (?) and plain yoghurt at around 7-8 weeks pregnant.  I’m not so bad at the moment – I think I’m actually just used to the permanent nausea – I wake up and feel bleurgh and just eat through it. Cheerios and fruit and fibre in a morning seem to be doing the trick.  Plus a glass of prune juice for the other, erm, problem… There’s certain times of day I feel worse than others (first thing in the morning and evening is worst) and I seem to have a window between 11am and 3pm where I’m able to eat whatever so I’m taking advantage of it! I’ve put on a couple of lbs since being pregnant, taking me to 1lb under what I was when I started this IVF round.  (I somehow lost weight during this IVF cycle??) Keeping an eye on it and just trying not to eat too much rubbish and get some fruit and veg down me. If I get to trimester 2 this time, (here’s hoping!) I intend to start planning meals again and restart the exercise.  Right now, I have no idea what I actually want to eat from one moment to the next so I’m not doing a lot of meal planning!

I’m so very thankful for this pregnancy but still so terrified of it ending at any time.  I’m trying so hard not to think like that and just live day to day. I have no idea when I’ll start to feel any ‘safer’. Or if I even will.  I’m trying not to analyse things and trying to see pregnancy symptoms as fluctuating and not to be too scared when they come and go.  Last time that drove me bonkers. These extra scans are all helping with that this time.

Thursday we went for another scan for the IVF department.  They needed a viability report and couldn’t just connect with the EPU department who had been scanning me.  So we needed another scan – which isn’t a problem!! I really don’t mind the reassurance of all these scans.  At the scan, they dated me at 8 weeks 5 days.  The baby had changed loads in 1 week and 2 days – we could make out so much more.  Then we couldn’t believe our eyes when the baby started moving around! Wriggling and moving his arms – it was amazing and we both shed a tear. Just the fact that this little being is living within me and can move ALL BY ITSELF just blew my mind. IVF have now discharged me and I’m now under the local midwife (who I saw on Wednesday).

Here is the photo we got:

bob

Then two nights after the scan, I dreamt of our baby for the first time.  It was a strange dream.  I went for a scan and there was our little boy (I’ve been convinced it’s a boy pretty much since conception – but I could be wrong…) full term and fully dressed in the uterus. Like he was getting ready to make an appearance in the outside world (not for another 7 months, thank you very much little one…). We could see every detail of his face but we both decided he looked nothing like us. Then we had this massive panic that they’d put the wrong embryos back because he was so unlike either of us!  All very weird.

So, that’s all for now.  Have a lovely Sunday x x

Pregnancy after miscarriage – the reality

Pregnancy after miscarriage – the reality

So, all being well, I’ll be 7 weeks pregnant on New Year’s Day.  The last month (I tested early so I have known about this little mini us for pretty much 4 weeks…) has been a little angsty at times, but I have been feeling less stressed and anxious than I actually thought that I would be…

However, not a day goes by where I don’t think about the possibility of it going wrong and us being left with another loss on our hands. This is not me being morbid, it’s just I’ve no experience of a pregnancy ending well for us yet. I’m struggling to be excited about this pregnancy – I’ve so far been very ‘non-excited’ and if I feel the odd flutter of excitement – I mostly just reign it in.  I’m kind of hoping I’ll start to enjoy it a bit more soon…

I’ve been very open about the IVF, then it working and me being pregnant (to people’s faces – I haven’t done a major ‘announcement’ or anything…) to friends and family and it’s not something I can either be bothered to hide or want to hide as it happens (at this time of year with being off the pink vino and all, it’s pretty obvious). But I guess I’ve struggled a bit with the ‘What’s your due date?’ ‘What sort of birth are you planning?!’ etc. type conversations that have been initiated over the Christmas holidays.  When people mention ‘the baby’, I feel myself pulling this ‘blank – what on earth are you talking about’ type look and find I have to somehow wipe it off my face.  My responses to people talking about ‘the baby’ have been mostly polite and short.  Because, I have no idea if we will be blessed with a real live beautiful baby this time round. I hope so. But I find it hard to just ASSUME that this pregnancy will end in a real live mini us that people who have a ‘normal’ route to a pregnancy seem to be able to do. Thinking back to all the time friends or family have told me that they’re pregnant (and I’m talking about pre-12 week announcements here) – I seem to recall the words ‘We’re having a baby’ or ‘I’m having a baby in June/the summer/ this or that month’ or the like.  I struggled even to walk into the doctors today and say the words ‘I’m pregnant’.

Which brings me onto my next point – today I went into the doctors.  I’ve been putting it off but I knew I really needed to sort midwives and the like. I said firstly that I’d wait until after the scan (that was at 5 weeks 4 days).  I waited till after the scan.  We’re just about to have another scan – so  I can’t say that again.  And I need to have my booking in appointment so they can sort out the dating/12 week scan (the one I never got to last time…) So, I went in and stuttered something about needing to see a midwife and being pregnant blah blah.  They gave me a pot to pee in and take back tomorrow – they wouldn’t let me do it there and then because it needs to be first morning urine.  I couldn’t be bothered to argue that I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant and a pregnancy test would show up straight away and just took my pot away for the morning.  (And obviously made a little joke when I got home to Husband about how I had a pot to piss in).

So, I think I mentioned above too that I have a scan next week.  On Tuesday.  Praying so hard that we’ll see a heartbeat at this scan.  Then if all is OK on Tuesday, EPU will probably discharge me.  IVF scan is on Friday – and they will probably discharge me too.  Hence the importance of actually sorting the midwife thing.

Physically:

  • My lady lumps are taking over the world again. I need to dig out the bras I bought last time.
  • Bloating – bleurgh (possibly also Christmas related…)
  • I’m really weird about food – and this changes from one day to the next. Sometimes I want to eat my own arm – then if I do I regret it because my food then repeats on me.  I’m waking up slightly nauseous some mornings but nothing major.  I can never decide what I want to eat either so just trying to eat as healthily as possible as whatever I have, I invariably end up burping loads anyway. Some days I feel OK – last time round, this made me panic , but this time I’m just enjoying eating on those days!
  • I’m tired most of the time – something about pregnancy makes me just want to hibernate and sit in my pyjamas a lot.  Or it could just be that it’s miserable outside and Christmas and it’s tempting to be in PJs, watching films anyway! But I’ve been napping a bit in the afternoons this week.
  • Random, but I can’t watch Food TV programmes – they make me want to hurl.  There was one on the other day with loads of burgers and it made me feel so bleurgh.  The Husband had to turn it off!
  • If I don’t drink enough water, I’m waking up in a morning literally feeling like I’ve not had any water in a week. This morning this was combined with nausea, which was really quite unpleasant.

However, the baby has been instructed by me to physically do what it likes to me (within reason) as long as he/she STAYS PUT for at least 7 more months!!!

Sorry if this sounds a little morbid today – I don’t actually feel as miserable as it probably sounds.  And I’m not really that stressed. I am really happy to be pregnant and the odd, anxious ‘will it last’ feelings are probably normal. Maybe the scan on Tuesday and seeing our little one will help.

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas and am wishing for good things for all for 2016 x x

 

5 week scan…

5 week scan…

Because of my little scare and the nurse at IVF putting ‘The Fear’ into me, I’ve been monitored for the last week at the EPU.  Fortunately, they found my HCG levels have risen (from 353 to 1020 to 2588…) over the time they’ve been testing me and at the last test, on Sunday, they deemed the levels high enough for an initial scan.

So today was scan day.  Straight away we spotted the little sac.  The lady measured it and said it was right on track for being around 5 weeks pregnant.  There was no heartbeat as yet, but we weren’t expecting one today.  Then she checked that the other embryo hadn’t implanted somewhere it shouldn’t have – but all clear.  She said there was no evidence of where my bleed had come from and put it down to implantation (which is what I figured it was – until that nurse scared the crap out of me).

So, they booked us in for another scan early in the New Year – we have one anyway that week booked through the Fertility Department – so I really need to sort that as I think two in one week is just overkill.  But Christmas can happen first, then I’ll sort it. The nurse was lovely, told me that everything was on track and my HCG was rising, the sac was in the right place and I was to have a nice Christmas!!!

I’ve been really, really putting off contacting my doctors and telling them I’m pregnant and getting my Booking In appointment etc. sorted.  I really didn’t want to do that before the scan today.  This time last pregnancy, I’d had my booking in appointment already.  But I feel like a ‘fake pregnant person’ again – even more so than last time.  I have it in my head that it may not last anyway so I’m not ‘proper pregnant’. Saying that, I am trying to stay positive and allow myself to think of the possibilities and that I could, right now, be carrying our ‘take home baby’.

In doing so, I had a lovely little mooch at baby clothes yesterday.  I haven’t done that in a while.  If I’ve had to buy a baby present, in between Ellie and this pregnancy, it’s literally been a trolley dash job. But I had a dreamy little browse yesterday where I allowed myself to think about which ones I’d choose for our little one.  Obviously I had to just pick out the neutral stuff at this point but it was lovely.

Also, yesterday I was having a bit of a tidy up.  (Pregnancy does this thing to me, where I just want to tidy stuff up and chuck loads of stuff out). I’ve been meaning for ages to gather all my bits from the last pregnancy and put them in a really special box and keep them somewhere safe.  So yesterday part of when I was tidying up, I put everything in a shoebox, ready to be transferred to the ‘special box’ when I get it. In doing so, I came across some cute little socks and vests that I’d bought for Ellie.  They were so sweet and cute and I couldn’t figure out if I should put them in the box/just some of them in the box/save them for the New Baby.  I ended up in crazy tears in the end (Pregnancy Hormones…?) because I felt guilty not putting them in the box.  Husband said he didn’t think Ellie would mind as she hadn’t got big enough for them anyway.  So after deliberation and some guilt on my part, they are in the New Baby pile (not that I have bought anything else).  The New Baby pile just has my IVF paperwork and wristbands from hospital etc. I also started filling in the Pregnancy Journal that I got last time (in pencil…) as last time I didn’t even dare write in it but I’m taking a leap of faith this time.  I figured, even if it doesn’t work out, I want to document it all anyway.  When we lost Ellie, I was so grateful of everything I’d written when I was pregnant with her.

happy ending

Healthwise, I’m feeling OK.  I feel rotten if I don’t sleep or eat or hydrate enough – so I’m really making a massive effort to eat healthily, rest and look after myself loads. Trying to walk everyday too so I don’t get lazy. I’m a bit bloated this week so I’ve been utilising the ‘hair band trick’ on my jeans…I’m starting this pregnancy a whole stone lighter than the last one so hopefully the clothes will fit a little longer this time too!

Every day I wake up and say ‘Thank you’ for this second chance at producing a life. We are hoping so hard this one is our Happy Ending.

Pregnancy so far… 17th June 2015

Pregnancy so far… 17th June 2015

Looking back at all these pregnancy posts I thought would be harder than it actually has been.  I thought it would take me forever to plough through them, crying bitter,sad and resentful tears as I went.  But that’s not actually how it’s been.  Each day (I’m allowing myself one a day) I’ve got a day closer to getting to the end of Ellie’s journey when she was living inside of me.  It feels like moving on somehow. I think ‘Moving On’ is a whole separate blog post…but this week, amongst the tears, we’ve talked a lot about moving on.

We’ve:

  • named our baby Ellie.  It’s what I called her from day 1 when she was an embryo in the lab and since I dreamt she was a girl. Husband did tell me off for calling her a ‘she’ and told me I’d end up disappointed if ‘she’ was a ‘he’.  Then he dreamt she was a girl too. The night I miscarried. I really do reckon both of us can’t be wrong. Have since dreamt of her as a girl since she died so I’m completely convinced.  If we get to heaven and Ellie is a he, we just will have a lot of apologising to do…
  • talked about a physical memorial and where to put it.
  • phoned the fertility clinic.  We have to wait 3 months after a miscarriage before we can try again.  The doctor in the hospital where I miscarried said I could wait a month to try naturally.  We’re kind of hoping for a miracle here so we don’t need another cycle.  I have ‘unexplained infertility’ (probably a topic for another day…) so there’s no physical reason, although it’s not happened naturally in over 3 years, why I shouldn’t get pregnant naturally.  Have sent a very heartfelt request to the Big Man Upstairs.
  • booked counselling for Monday.  The fertility clinic offers this service free of charge and although I think the amount of crying I am doing right now is a normal amount for what has happened, it is probably a sensible idea to utilise this service.
  • talked to my acupuncturist.  I saw her yesterday and told her what had happened.  I’ve been reading about acupuncture helping to realign the body after miscarriage and get the reproductive system back to normal.  So I’m booked in.
  • although we’ve been self medicating this week with chocolate, wine, cake, sweets, pizza etc., the plan is to get back into the healthy exercise and eating plan I was following pre- IVF on Monday.  I need to shift the IVF/early pregnancy ‘troffing all carbs in sight’ weight really and get in tip top shape – or even better – for a potential subsequent pregnancy.  Hubby is planning similar to help those little swimmy things be the best swimmy things ever. I want to start running again but not sure how long after miscarrying is a sensible amount of time to wait.

I know we’ll never ever forget her and we’ll feel sad for some time to come.  But moving on will help us to heal – and having a plan helps.

I wrote this on 17th June 2015:

pregnant-cartoon

“It’s been hard to get this far into pregnancy and not be able to blog.  Blogging through the tricky experience of IVF and all its physical and emotional challenges really helped me to process my thoughts and feelings. Plus the support from the Blogging Community is just ace.  Pregnancy is pretty emotional and confusing (in a good way) and it has been hard to not write about it. I can write and save them in my drafts but it doesn’t quite feel the same.  Roll on the 12 week scan when we can just come clean as ‘Pregnant’ and I can blog again!

But I thought in this post I’d just jot down what I make of pregnancy so far and how I’ve been feeling:

  • Firstly I LOVE it.  I love being pregnant.  I love that there’s a little wriggly raspberry sized combination of me and Husband growing within me.  I think it’s amazing and am in total awe of how that can be happening. I’m not sure if I’m so in love with this process because I don’t feel quite as crappy as I know some women do in the first trimester.  But nonetheless I love it and am enjoying being pregnant thus far. BUT saying that, it is really, really hard work and all the changes and random feelings and emotions are confusing and I don’t quite understand what’s happening from one moment to the next…And sometimes I just feel like CRAP. Being Pregnant also makes me slightly anxious because I’m constantly thinking and worrying about my baby and about what’s going on in my body. It’s hard not being or feeling in control.
  • I’ve not felt too sick.  At first this really worried me, but since the 7 week scan, and seeing little jellybean’s heartbeat and talking to a few trusted friends, I’ve realised you don’t need to hurl every day to definitely be pregnant.  And it’s great that I’m not. I felt really quite sick in week 4/5 (midwife said it could have been hormone surge) and I feel sick if I leave too long between eating but all in all, I’ve been relatively OK. Hoping it stays that way…
  • I’m knackered.  Really knackered. I can’t get over how knackered I am.  All The Time.  For what I have escaped in Morning Sickness, my body is certainly making up for in Fatigue.  I am doing quite a lot of resting/napping and I know about it if I don’t. If I don’t have a nap during the day, I’m sleepy by 5pm and I also have been wanting to go to bed a lot earlier than I did before Pregnancy.
  • I love food.  I did before but I really do now.  Probably because if I don’t eat every few hours, I start getting all hot and sweaty – then I get dizzy and feel faint and I literally have to put some food in my mouth or I feel like I’m going to be sick.  But I am being a bit pernickity about food – in that I can never decide what I want to eat.  There’s been a lot of wandering around shops, just looking at food and thinking, “hmmmm, what do I actually fancy” then eating something and thinking, “Oh, I didn’t want to eat that”. I’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth at the moment too, but not sure if that’s the pregnancy or just me… Also, I can’t eat as much in one go as I previously did (I get full really quickly – probably because I’m full from constant snacking) and can’t eat much at all on an evening. And not liking spicy food.

greenbeans

  • Smells – I hate the smell of alcohol right now.  Bork. Also, coffee doesn’t smell nice and in the past week I’ve even decided decaf tea (that I’ve been drinking loads since February) tastes weird.  I’m running out of stuff to drink.  Been drinking a lot of water and milk and fruit juice instead. Perfume and aftershave I am not liking the smell of and Husband has been asked to put his deodorant on in another room if I’m still in bed in a morning.
  • I feel fat (again probably because of constant snacking) and my lady lumps have been threatening to take over the world since week 5.  I am now on new bra number 2 since getting pregnant.  I bought the first new size at Week 5 of pregnancy – not helped by IVF drugs blowing me up also. By Week 8, I needed another.  This one is not underwired and slightly ugly.  But it is comfortable so I don’t care.  I am noticing myself changing shape i.e as well as my lady lumps taking over the world, my waist is thickening slightly too.  I’m really bloated and have been since IVF (it’s never gone down). I tried my jeans on after Embryo Transfer (I had been living in leggings during treatment – more comfy) and they were very, very uncomfortable.  So they were abandoned before I even knew I was pregnant.  I luckily had some jeans in the next size up and also recently won some Maternity Jeans on Ebay for 99p (Result!)  I have to say Maternity Jeans are sooooo comfortable! Everyone should have some for The Time of The Month!! Some may say 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant is too early for Maternity Wear but I am comfortable so I don’t really care.  I don’t really want to force myself into clothes that are uncomfortable where waistbands are digging in etc. I’ve got some longer tops which cover the black material band thingy so no-one knows they’re maternity jeans anyway!

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  • I’m not really sleeping very well.  Not quite sure why.  Peeing several times at night doesn’t help. I also can’t seem to get comfortable. This probably contributes to my need to sleep during the day…
  • I’m a little more emotional than normal. I cry at really stupid stuff and anything daft can set me off. And I’m not talking the odd tear rolling down my face. I’m talking ‘The world is ending’ tears. I’m also just being really irrational (poor Husband) . In fact, I would say the crazy hormones are actually the worst bit to date. 41059c06838c60bbe72f2f0d606a2b81
  • BUT not a day goes by where I don’t think about how lucky we’ve been.  I know it’s still early days but not for one second did I believe that IVF would work for us first time. Of course I’d heard stories where it worked first time and I know people who were successful the first time. But I didn’t believe we could be that lucky -out of 3 mature eggs, one made it and several times people said to me “It only takes one egg!” and it’s just so true.  We are so thankful for the one that has made it and is growing inside me. What a fabulous little Fighter :-).”
8 weeks 2 days pregnant (14th June 2015)

8 weeks 2 days pregnant (14th June 2015)

It seems quite ironic, fitting, weird, strange, gorgeous – whichever way you choose to look at things that this next one should come up this morning.  Because I spent the whole night dreaming of her.

I dreamt I gave birth to her afterall and I was holding her in my arms.  I was so confused as I thought she had died.  I didn’t have any baby stuff and I wasn’t ready for her.  I was panicking about what I was going to do about work as I hadn’t told anyone my baby girl was coming. She was a very peaceful and happy baby and she didn’t cry once. I was panicky as I didn’t have anything to feed her and my friend came round and said, “Look, we really should change her nappy” but I didn’t have any of those either.  She didn’t seem bothered about the lack of nappy changing or food though, she just wanted to snuggle ❤ I saw her little face and she was just beautiful.

Obviously this dream made me cry upon awakening, but I also feel like her soul is there waiting to meet me and Husband more than ever.  Husband is convinced that she lives on, we just have to make her another body.  I’m not sure how it all works – I don’t have the answers.

The day I went for this scan, I was sooo scared, followed by so relieved followed by so happy. I don’t know what went wrong after this.  But I am so happy and grateful that I got to see our baby that one time:

14th June 2015

“This week we got to see our beautiful baby (yes, there’s just one!) on a screen and say ‘hello’ to them for the very first time.  I can’t even begin to go into what a relief this was…

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The days leading up to the scan were fraught.  The hours and minutes even worse. I had convinced myself that it was going to be really, really bad news. Thoughts of ectopics, a baby without a heartbeat, news that it had stopped growing weeks ago all were running through my mind constantly.  I had managed to stop peeing on a stick (I weaned myself off that habit around week 5/6) so I was relying on pregnancy symptoms to actually convince me that it was real.  But then I was telling myself that the pregnancy symptoms could be caused by the extra progesterone I have to take. Arrrrgggghhh.

All in all, I was a mess before the scan. I tried to reel it in as Husband’s birthday was the day before and we had a weekend of nice things planned. (Posh meal out, barbeque with friends and car racing (watching it, not doing it).

So, the day of the scan arrived.  I was tense.  We got stuck in a MASSIVE traffic jam.  Husband is not known for his patience in such situations.  We were on time, but it didn’t matter anyhow as they were running half an hour behind.  We went into the Early Pregnancy Unit and waited with lots of couples, some with small children and babies.  Most of them had huge bumps.  I whispered to Husband, “This is ridiculous – they shouldn’t make you wait in the same room as all these PREGNANT people.” Husband told me to more or less, “Shut up”.  Crossing over from the category ‘Infertile’ to the category ‘Infertile Pregnant Person’ is something that I wish I’d known would be so hard.  I’m getting there.  Especially since the scan. Things are beginning to sink in and seem Real!

Anyhow, the scan…we were called into the room and as usual, I whipped my lower garments off and hopped on the bed. The lady said that she would be quiet for a while so she could check everything was OK.  I was already very close to tears at this point and Husband was holding my hand very, very tightly.  I was watching her face very carefully to try and read her expression but I guess they are trained to keep their faces very normal anyway.

After a few minutes, she told us she could see one sack and one baby with a heartbeat, measuring at 7 weeks and 2 days. Words can not even begin to describe how that felt.  I cried as soon as she told me that and even more so when she showed us our baby and its little flickering heartbeat.  It was seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen and a miracle.

She then turned the screen away and checked my tubes and ovaries.  She had to check that Elvis or Ellie (whichever one wasn’t in the uterus) hadn’t sneaked off somewhere and implanted somewhere they shouldn’t –  but all was clear. Phew! Then she showed us our baby again and printed off a photo.  So, we went back to the Waiting Room while she prepared the report for the Fertility Clinic.

Husband went back to work whilst I went over to the Clinic.  The nurse (I was so pleased as it was my favourite nurse!) came to speak to me and she was so genuinely pleased that I was pregnant. She cooed a bit over my scan picture and then advised me on how to reduce the Progesterone pessaries so that I would eventually be off them at 12 weeks and also gave me a form to fill in and send back when the baby is born (wow, that seems a long way off).  Then she told me that I was dispatched as a ‘normal pregnancy’ and I am now officially under the doctors/midwife rather than the Fertility Clinic. Happy Days but also very scary as I now have to try and fit into the ‘Normal Pregnant Person’ world where I feel a little lost and like I don’t really belong. One thing I do know, is every single day when I wake up, I thank God for the little miracle that is growing inside me and aim to enjoy this pregnancy, no matter how ill/fat/knackered it makes me.

Next stop, the 12 week scan.  I cannot wait to see our baby again 🙂 “