Two weeks ago, Felicity turned One, and I miscarried another baby.
I’ll start from the beginning here. I’ve never been able to understand these stories when people get to be quite pregnant, as in more than 5 or 6 weeks pregnant but have no idea. I always think HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW????!!!! But I did exactly that. I was according to my calculations 11 weeks and a day pregnant when I discovered the fact I was ‘With Child’.
Somehow conceived naturally after 6 years of unexplained infertility, this baby came as quite a big surprise. But when I took the test on the Sunday night, 2 short days before my daughter’s 1st birthday, everything suddenly started to make sense:
- My erratic periods since Felicity (every 3 weeks) had slowed down and I hadn’t had one in 6 weeks (d’oh, as if that wasn’t a giveaway…)
- The fact I hadn’t really mega changed my eating or exercising habits, yet my stomach had really rounded and felt quite hard (more than once I’d prodded it and thought to myself it felt like my pregnant stomach did). In fact, I was finding it quite hard to fit into my clothes…
- The fact that it crossed my mind a few times to take a test and was totally niggling at me, but I thought nah, I won’t be pregnant. It’s not like I’ve done anything -i.e. stuck myself with needles and had an embryo implanted in there – to GET pregnant!
- The number of naps I’d taken with Felicity on an afternoon because I couldn’t keep my eyes open (rather than putting her down and getting on with stuff). Which I had just put down to tiredness from having a One Year Old.
- I’d felt twinges and twanging, only felt before during pregnancy – but again, I thought it couldn’t possibly be…
So, because I had actually bled (which fooled me into thinking I’d had a period) since the alleged conception date, I took myself off to the EPU on the Monday. To cut a long story short, I knew just by looking at the lady who scanned me’s face that it wasn’t good. She asked me again, whilst scanning me, for the story behind the pregnancy, periods, dates etc. then finally said “Sorry, I can’t see a sack in your uterus”. She said she should be able to see one from 5 weeks…All whilst her assistant entertained my 364 day old daughter with water in the sink (she had been there for nearly 3 hours at this point and was quite frankly fed up…). They showed me on the screen my thickened lining, showing evidence there had been a pregnancy, or was one somewhere, but hidden. They asked me how I felt. I said I was disappointed. It was the only word I could come up with. They took me to a quiet room as I’d said that I really needed to change my daughter’s nappy and they thought I could do with some space.
An hour later, I went to find a nurse, as I just had a small inkling (!) that they’d forgotten about me. They had been calling me in the waiting room as the notes hadn’t been updated with the fact I was in a quiet room. So, a nurse came and took my blood and chatted to me for a bit. We discussed the possibility of it being ectopic and that I was having a failing pregnancy and then I went home. And wrapped my daughter’s presents and put up Happy Birthday banners in the lounge. I went to bed and just prayed that nothing would happen the next day to spoil Felicity’s birthday.
Felicity’s birthday was perfect. My back had really started to hurt in the meantime. This is how my first miscarriage started, so I knew something was on its way. But this is what painkillers are invented for. I drugged myself up and pretended it wasn’t happening. Felicity and I went to the park on her new trike whilst Dad was at work. We played with her new toys and ate a nice lunch together. On the evening, we went out for tea with some friends. By now, I could feel my stomach had got incredibly bloated, sore and uncomfortable – similar to Miscarriage Number 1 also. After putting Felicity to bed and getting ready for bed myself, I noticed I had started to spot. Overnight the miscarriage began.
Since then, I had 3 more blood tests and they still couldn’t rule out ectopic because of my numbers. The HCG is really being very slow to leave my body. It went from 780 to 500ish to 400ish down to 291 last Sunday. They told me what signs and symptoms to look out for with an ectopic – and that if I spot any, I need to go straight back in. They called it a Pregnancy of an Unknown Location. Or something.
So, the bleeding lasted just under a week and I naively thought that was it. It was over. Until last Friday evening. I’d been feeling fine for a couple of days and my husband and I decided to go out to our local for tea with Flic. We had a lovely time, and then came home, put Felicity to bed and settled down for the evening with a glass of wine and a movie.
Just as I was going to bed (I always go first as I am generally permanently knackered), this indescribable pain hit my abdomen. It was so horribly painful and I was writhing around in agony trying to get it to stop. I went to tell my husband about it and promptly vomited all over the lounge rug. He got me the mop bucket (for sick purposes) then I proceeded to spend the next ten minutes seeing my tea again…
I called the EPU (as I was in flipping agony) and they told me to come straight in. My husband called an ambulance (who told us that someone would ring me back in 90 minutes) then called a taxi and sorted out childcare for Flic…So, to cut a very long story short, we spent the early hours of Saturday morning (until 4.30am) in the EPU. They gave me drugs, took my blood, tested my urine, took my vitals etc etc. and then we waited for a doctor (who obviously needed to wait for the blood test results – to be fair). Meanwhile we tried to sleep on the benches of the waiting room.
The doctor basically told me there was not a lot they could do. The pain was the ‘baby’ leaving my body from wherever it may be and it was the pain of miscarriage I was experiencing. My levels had reduced (to around 100) so they weren’t worried about tubes rupturing and they didn’t want to scan me – as they couldn’t find the sack on a scan with 791 HCG, so there was no hope of locating it now…
So, semi reassured, we went home at 4.30am, with instructions to take codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen and come back in a week to see where we were HCG wise.
It’s so different miscarrying when you already have a baby-yet it’s strangely the same. In regards to the same: a baby has still died. I still feel the same pain of my body failing me and keep analysing every single moment of the last 2 months – wondering why it happened? What went wrong? It still feels so unfair. 6 years of infertility and suddenly I get pregnant naturally, yet my body can’t even do that right. I know we have our little miracle now (Felicity is all I ever wanted and more) but this seems so cruel.
But on the other hand, I have just had to get on with things. The pain is different this time but I couldn’t possibly tell you if it’s better or worse. Last time I miscarried in hospital, with a lot of strong painkillers and a lot of rest and without a one year old wanting to rough and tumble and attach herself to my person and need carrying around. I still have to get up with her at 6am and feed her, play with her, change her, help her nap, entertain her, put her to bed and get up during the night with her. So, I couldn’t possibly tell you emotionally how I feel right now as I’ve just had no time to process it.
When we miscarried the first time, my husband wrote about it being like a Game of Snakes and Ladders. Except this time, we had no clue we were even on the board. I knew I was pregnant for less than 24 hours. And I didn’t truly believe it, or think that it could be viable. I hadn’t felt sick, gone off coffee or wine, or wanted to hurl at certain smells. I hadn’t wanted to troff hash brown toasties. Something didn’t ring quite right about it. Yet, I had a few times in the short time it could have been viable, had fleeting thoughts about whether I was carrying a boy or a girl. Where we would put both children, would I need a double buggy??. But at the same time, I never let myself run away with these thoughts.
However, amongst all this, Felicity turned One. I realise I haven’t blogged much about her in the last year. She takes up all my time, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is amazing. She lights up our world every day. She is so full of fun and loves laughing. Felicity is always busy and loves playing, looking at her books and inventing little games with her toys. She is really headstrong and just in general, an amazing little girl. We are really blessed to have her. Happy 1st birthday Felicity – you are so precious and we love you more and more every day x x