and I’m going to be honest – absolutely terrified.
When the doctor told us after the miscarriage that our baby had died somewhere between 10-12 weeks, I knew this was going to be a tough time to get through this time round.
The day I ‘graduated’ from 9 weeks 6 days to 10 weeks in this pregnancy, I had terrible insomnia. I laid awake worrying that it was all going to happen – all over again.
Thankfully (I need to look at it this way) I got my Husband’s man-flu a couple of days later and that completely distracted me from ridiculously worrying myself. I told myself anyway that stress is probably worse for the baby than anything else I’m actually doing or that may cause me to miscarry again.
So, I’ve spent this week with no voice (very quiet for everyone else) and being a bit spluttery and yak. It sucks a bit as most of the drugs I’d normally ply myself with aren’t pregnancy friendly. So, it’s been plenty of fluids, lemon, ginger and honey. And a few days of working from bed.
I think also I’ve been a bit panicky/anxious etc. as I haven’t got another scan for a week and a half. And I haven’t had one for a week and a half either. I feel the need to constantly know what’s going on in there. And I don’t/can’t. I’m really feeling every niggle/cramp (Google says ‘growing pains’/’stretching’ etc.) and worrying ‘Is this it?’ ‘Is this the end?’.
And that is all I have to say about the panicking. It’s not all doom and gloom. I am allowing myself every now and again to feel happy and ‘believe’ in this pregnancy. I had another baby dream the other night. I was giving birth and for some reason the midwife was my acupuncturist. I was on my hands and knees anyway, pushing this baby out. Out ‘he’ came (yes, again he was a boy in this dream) but when he came out he didn’t cry. My acupuncturist/midwife handed him to me and said ‘I’m so sorry’ but I was confused as although he wasn’t crying, he was blatantly alive and me and my son were just staring at each other. He was blinking and moving his lips (cute!). I asked her to call my Husband as he had a migraine (weird as he did have a migraine the day that I dreamt it) so couldn’t be at the birth (HA, as if I’d let him off with that excuse…). Then I said to the acupuncturist/midwife, “It is a boy, isn’t it?” and we checked and it definitely was!! And there was this blue eyed boy just staring at me, and me at him and that was about all I remember.
I really hope the fact I’ve started having all these dreams about the baby, like I did with Ellie, isn’t a bad sign…
In other news, I’m not as pukey (nausea has eased a little this week – again hope not a bad thing), I’m still as tired (probably not helped by woman-flu) and I seem to be expanding…
Hopefully I’ll be able to post in a week and a half with some good news from our scan (when I’ll be 12 weeks and 5 days…). In the meantime, just trying to float on by and get through…