Today is Ellie’s due date. Whilst I know that hardly any babies make an appearance on their actual due date, it’s the only date we’ve got, and we both intend to remember her on it.
I am quite aware that this date would have been A LOT harder to bear had I not been pregnant again by the time her due date rolled around. Back in September I did wonder about waiting until after the due date before we commenced IVF2 and a little tiny bit of guilt about ‘replacing’ her does exist within me. But to me, our first baby is irreplaceable and holds a very, very special and unique place in my heart – and will continue to do so whether this pregnancy is ‘The One’ or not.
However, when I think of her these days, it’s often with a smile rather than tears. I like to think of her as a ‘helper baby’ who helped us to get to where we are now. She gave us a massive kick up the bottom in such a huge way. Some of which I want to write about, and some which I don’t.
When we lost Ellie, it reinforced in me just how much I wanted to be a mum and make Husband a daddy. I felt complete when I was housing her and when she left I felt so very empty. After the initial grieving period was over, I had this massive urge within myself to do EVERYTHING possible (within my own power) to become pregnant again and stay that way. I lost weight by eating mega mega healthily and exercised like a crazy person. I took supplements, had post miscarriage counselling at the fertility clinic to get my mindset sorted. And so going into IVF2, I felt healthier than I had done in years, and not just physically. My mindset going into IVF2 was way better than it had been going into our first try. I was so much more calmer and relaxed about things and very much had a ‘if this is going to work, it’s going to work’ outlook on the whole thing.
The day I went to egg collection, (this is going to sound crazy but bear with…) we were walking into the building and I turned to my Husband and said “Ellie’s with us today, I can feel her.” That’s the last time I ‘felt’ her since losing her. But I felt her in such a lovely way. I really feel like she ‘egged’ (sorry..) our little embryos on that day and watched over them in the lab whilst they were growing. She’s sent us some beautiful snow today on her due date and I think today we are going to go and play in the snow with the doggies and lay a rose in the memorial garden which is on a little walk nearby.
So, here we are 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant…and hopeful to stay this way. Little mini-us has been making me very icky since about 6-7 weeks and I had about a week of hardly eating anything except cereal, warm brown wraps (?) and plain yoghurt at around 7-8 weeks pregnant. I’m not so bad at the moment – I think I’m actually just used to the permanent nausea – I wake up and feel bleurgh and just eat through it. Cheerios and fruit and fibre in a morning seem to be doing the trick. Plus a glass of prune juice for the other, erm, problem… There’s certain times of day I feel worse than others (first thing in the morning and evening is worst) and I seem to have a window between 11am and 3pm where I’m able to eat whatever so I’m taking advantage of it! I’ve put on a couple of lbs since being pregnant, taking me to 1lb under what I was when I started this IVF round. (I somehow lost weight during this IVF cycle??) Keeping an eye on it and just trying not to eat too much rubbish and get some fruit and veg down me. If I get to trimester 2 this time, (here’s hoping!) I intend to start planning meals again and restart the exercise. Right now, I have no idea what I actually want to eat from one moment to the next so I’m not doing a lot of meal planning!
I’m so very thankful for this pregnancy but still so terrified of it ending at any time. I’m trying so hard not to think like that and just live day to day. I have no idea when I’ll start to feel any ‘safer’. Or if I even will. I’m trying not to analyse things and trying to see pregnancy symptoms as fluctuating and not to be too scared when they come and go. Last time that drove me bonkers. These extra scans are all helping with that this time.
Thursday we went for another scan for the IVF department. They needed a viability report and couldn’t just connect with the EPU department who had been scanning me. So we needed another scan – which isn’t a problem!! I really don’t mind the reassurance of all these scans. At the scan, they dated me at 8 weeks 5 days. The baby had changed loads in 1 week and 2 days – we could make out so much more. Then we couldn’t believe our eyes when the baby started moving around! Wriggling and moving his arms – it was amazing and we both shed a tear. Just the fact that this little being is living within me and can move ALL BY ITSELF just blew my mind. IVF have now discharged me and I’m now under the local midwife (who I saw on Wednesday).
Here is the photo we got:
Then two nights after the scan, I dreamt of our baby for the first time. It was a strange dream. I went for a scan and there was our little boy (I’ve been convinced it’s a boy pretty much since conception – but I could be wrong…) full term and fully dressed in the uterus. Like he was getting ready to make an appearance in the outside world (not for another 7 months, thank you very much little one…). We could see every detail of his face but we both decided he looked nothing like us. Then we had this massive panic that they’d put the wrong embryos back because he was so unlike either of us! All very weird.
So, that’s all for now. Have a lovely Sunday x x