So, all being well, I’ll be 7 weeks pregnant on New Year’s Day. The last month (I tested early so I have known about this little mini us for pretty much 4 weeks…) has been a little angsty at times, but I have been feeling less stressed and anxious than I actually thought that I would be…
However, not a day goes by where I don’t think about the possibility of it going wrong and us being left with another loss on our hands. This is not me being morbid, it’s just I’ve no experience of a pregnancy ending well for us yet. I’m struggling to be excited about this pregnancy – I’ve so far been very ‘non-excited’ and if I feel the odd flutter of excitement – I mostly just reign it in. I’m kind of hoping I’ll start to enjoy it a bit more soon…
I’ve been very open about the IVF, then it working and me being pregnant (to people’s faces – I haven’t done a major ‘announcement’ or anything…) to friends and family and it’s not something I can either be bothered to hide or want to hide as it happens (at this time of year with being off the pink vino and all, it’s pretty obvious). But I guess I’ve struggled a bit with the ‘What’s your due date?’ ‘What sort of birth are you planning?!’ etc. type conversations that have been initiated over the Christmas holidays. When people mention ‘the baby’, I feel myself pulling this ‘blank – what on earth are you talking about’ type look and find I have to somehow wipe it off my face. My responses to people talking about ‘the baby’ have been mostly polite and short. Because, I have no idea if we will be blessed with a real live beautiful baby this time round. I hope so. But I find it hard to just ASSUME that this pregnancy will end in a real live mini us that people who have a ‘normal’ route to a pregnancy seem to be able to do. Thinking back to all the time friends or family have told me that they’re pregnant (and I’m talking about pre-12 week announcements here) – I seem to recall the words ‘We’re having a baby’ or ‘I’m having a baby in June/the summer/ this or that month’ or the like. I struggled even to walk into the doctors today and say the words ‘I’m pregnant’.
Which brings me onto my next point – today I went into the doctors. I’ve been putting it off but I knew I really needed to sort midwives and the like. I said firstly that I’d wait until after the scan (that was at 5 weeks 4 days). I waited till after the scan. We’re just about to have another scan – so I can’t say that again. And I need to have my booking in appointment so they can sort out the dating/12 week scan (the one I never got to last time…) So, I went in and stuttered something about needing to see a midwife and being pregnant blah blah. They gave me a pot to pee in and take back tomorrow – they wouldn’t let me do it there and then because it needs to be first morning urine. I couldn’t be bothered to argue that I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant and a pregnancy test would show up straight away and just took my pot away for the morning. (And obviously made a little joke when I got home to Husband about how I had a pot to piss in).
So, I think I mentioned above too that I have a scan next week. On Tuesday. Praying so hard that we’ll see a heartbeat at this scan. Then if all is OK on Tuesday, EPU will probably discharge me. IVF scan is on Friday – and they will probably discharge me too. Hence the importance of actually sorting the midwife thing.
- My lady lumps are taking over the world again. I need to dig out the bras I bought last time.
- Bloating – bleurgh (possibly also Christmas related…)
- I’m really weird about food – and this changes from one day to the next. Sometimes I want to eat my own arm – then if I do I regret it because my food then repeats on me. I’m waking up slightly nauseous some mornings but nothing major. I can never decide what I want to eat either so just trying to eat as healthily as possible as whatever I have, I invariably end up burping loads anyway. Some days I feel OK – last time round, this made me panic , but this time I’m just enjoying eating on those days!
- I’m tired most of the time – something about pregnancy makes me just want to hibernate and sit in my pyjamas a lot. Or it could just be that it’s miserable outside and Christmas and it’s tempting to be in PJs, watching films anyway! But I’ve been napping a bit in the afternoons this week.
- Random, but I can’t watch Food TV programmes – they make me want to hurl. There was one on the other day with loads of burgers and it made me feel so bleurgh. The Husband had to turn it off!
- If I don’t drink enough water, I’m waking up in a morning literally feeling like I’ve not had any water in a week. This morning this was combined with nausea, which was really quite unpleasant.
However, the baby has been instructed by me to physically do what it likes to me (within reason) as long as he/she STAYS PUT for at least 7 more months!!!
Sorry if this sounds a little morbid today – I don’t actually feel as miserable as it probably sounds. And I’m not really that stressed. I am really happy to be pregnant and the odd, anxious ‘will it last’ feelings are probably normal. Maybe the scan on Tuesday and seeing our little one will help.
I hope everyone has had a good Christmas and am wishing for good things for all for 2016 x x