I haven’t blogged in a few weeks due to general ‘life’, ‘busyness’ and just basically feeling like I’ve not got a lot to say but ‘stuff’ has very much been on my mind this last week or so for a number of reasons.
Firstly, October is Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Month – so there is currently a LOT of photos, articles, stories etc. on the internet raising awareness. So, I can’t really get away from it all – if I wanted to – but it’s not like I can exactly forget anyway…so obviously I need to stick my twopence in. There’s a lot of photos with the gist ‘I am the face, ‘I am the 1 in 4’ etc. Ones like this:
To be perfectly honest, I don’t like looking at these ones. Reminders of ‘that statistic’ invoke in me a ‘Why me??’ reaction that I’m not comfortable with and I just do not like. Because it means 3 other people out there somewhere get to enjoy their baby and their pregnancies and I don’t. The statistics quite frankly piss me off. That’s what I got in the hospital (the doctors and nurses were all ‘It’s so common – it’s one in 4, you know’ – grrrrr) but statistics don’t help when you’ve just lost your child. Statistics aside, I’d rather just remember our baby in a fond way (sometimes with a smile because she was here, and sometimes with a tear because she’s not anymore) every single day and hope that we’re living our lives in a way that would make her proud and happy that we are her parents.
Last week, I ran a 10k to raise funds and awareness for the Miscarriage Association. I ended up raising £210 which I was really happy with. I didn’t count on how emotional it would all make me though. I was welling up on the start line and was really, really nervous. Then pretty much immediately afterwards (once I’d inhaled some Haribo sweets – I’d taken a day off the diet), I felt really low and disappointed in myself – as if I hadn’t done well enough or done the whole thing justice. I know it’s ridiculous but was just my emotions being weird. Again.
Also and pretty majorly, IVF cycle 2 is imminent. As in REALLY imminent. It’s really crept up on us and I’m really aware of its closeness as the whole thing is starting to all-consume me like Pre-Cycle 1 did. Aunt Flo is around a week away from arriving. Then I can ring up the clinic. Then we go in for Teach. Then I start jabbing myself on Day 21 of my lady cycle. Well, that’s the plan anyway.
In the meantime, I’m starting to struggle with my emotions. A few weeks ago, I was fluctuating between seriously wanting to delay the next cycle till 2016 (I spent a whole hour discussing this idea with my counsellor then totally dismissed it the next day) and between wanting to just be in the cycle now. My reasons for delaying were thus:
- I wanted to ‘live out’ this pregnancy and Ellie’s due date before trying to get pregnant again. I’m not sure how much sense that will make for anyone else but I felt I needed to give her and myself that time before trying to ‘replace’ her.
- I was worried about how I would cope if IVF 2 doesn’t work – as we would then have the ‘double whammy’ of a failed cycle and a due date of a baby that wasn’t arriving.
- I wanted to get myself ultra healthy – lose a whole heap of weight and give the supplements I’ve been taking for egg quality every chance of kicking in. I didn’t feel I had enough time to do that with an October start.
But, thinking about things and weighing (no pun intended) it all up, I’m ready now. I think one can overthink these things when at the end of the day, maybe I should just suck it up and get on with getting those hormones well and truly pumping around my bloodstream! Whenever we try to conceive again, I’m never going to forget this child that we lost so we might as well just get on with trying to expand our little family. And as it happens, the supplements will have been in my system 3 months by egg retrieval time and my weightloss is right on target…
However there is this anxiety kicking in about how this cycle will end up. I don’t feel fazed right now (this may change!) about the injections, the hormones making me weird, the retrieval or the transfer. It’s the result that’s getting me all a lather. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of a negative cycle or of being pregnant again. The thought of being pregnant again TERRIFIES me!!! I’m assured that’s pretty normal after a miscarriage… And I don’t know how we’ll react to a negative result as it hasn’t happened yet. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. However, I’m doing EVERYTHING in my power to make myself as healthy and as ready as I can for giving this cycle and a potential pregnancy 110%. We’re as ready for Round 2, I think, as we are ever going to get.