Trying again after a miscarriage – #IVF2

Trying again after a miscarriage – #IVF2

 

jouney

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks due to general ‘life’, ‘busyness’ and just basically feeling like I’ve not got a lot to say but ‘stuff’ has very much been on my mind this last week or so for a number of reasons.

Firstly, October is Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Month – so there is currently a LOT of photos, articles, stories etc. on the internet raising awareness.  So, I can’t really get away from it all – if I wanted to – but it’s not like I can exactly forget anyway…so obviously I need to stick my twopence in. There’s a lot of photos with the gist ‘I am the face, ‘I am the 1 in 4’ etc. Ones like this:

los

To be perfectly honest, I don’t like looking at these ones.  Reminders of ‘that statistic’ invoke in me a ‘Why me??’ reaction that I’m not comfortable with and I just do not like.  Because it means 3 other people out there somewhere get to enjoy their baby and their pregnancies and I don’t.  The statistics quite frankly piss me off. That’s what I got in the hospital (the doctors and nurses were all ‘It’s so common – it’s one in 4, you know’ – grrrrr) but statistics don’t help when you’ve just lost your child. Statistics aside, I’d rather just remember our baby in a fond way (sometimes with a smile because she was here, and sometimes with a tear because she’s not anymore) every single day and hope that we’re living our lives in a way that would make her proud and happy that we are her parents.

miscarriage

Last week, I ran a 10k to raise funds and awareness for the Miscarriage Association.  I ended up raising £210 which I was really happy with.  I didn’t count on how emotional it would all make me though.  I was welling up on the start line and was really, really nervous.  Then pretty much immediately afterwards (once I’d inhaled some Haribo sweets – I’d taken a day off the diet), I felt really low and disappointed in myself – as if I hadn’t done well enough or done the whole thing justice.  I know it’s ridiculous but was just my emotions being weird. Again.

Also and pretty majorly, IVF cycle 2 is imminent.  As in REALLY imminent. It’s really crept up on us and I’m really aware of its closeness as the whole thing is starting to all-consume me like Pre-Cycle 1 did. Aunt Flo is around a week away from arriving.  Then I can ring up the clinic.  Then we go in for Teach.  Then I start jabbing myself on Day 21 of my lady cycle. Well, that’s the plan anyway.

In the meantime, I’m starting to struggle with my emotions.  A few weeks ago, I was fluctuating between seriously wanting to delay the next cycle till 2016 (I spent a whole hour discussing this idea with my counsellor then totally dismissed it the next day) and between wanting to just be in the cycle now. My reasons for delaying were thus:

  • I wanted to ‘live out’ this pregnancy and Ellie’s due date before trying to get pregnant again.  I’m not sure how much sense that will make for anyone else but I felt I needed to give her and myself that time before trying to ‘replace’ her.
  • I was worried about how I would cope if IVF 2 doesn’t work – as we would then have the ‘double whammy’ of a failed cycle and a due date of a baby that wasn’t arriving.
  • I wanted to get myself ultra healthy – lose a whole heap of weight and give the supplements I’ve been taking for egg quality every chance of kicking in. I didn’t feel I had enough time to do that with an October start.

But, thinking about things and weighing (no pun intended) it all up, I’m ready now.  I think one can overthink these things when at the end of the day, maybe I should just suck it up and get on with getting those hormones well and truly pumping around my bloodstream! Whenever we try to conceive again, I’m never going to forget this child that we lost so we might as well just get on with trying to expand our little family. And as it happens, the supplements will have been in my system 3 months by egg retrieval time and my weightloss is right on target…

However there is this anxiety kicking in about how this cycle will end up.  I don’t feel fazed right now (this may change!) about the injections, the hormones making me weird, the retrieval or the transfer.  It’s the result that’s getting me all a lather. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of a negative cycle or of being pregnant again. The thought of being pregnant again TERRIFIES me!!! I’m assured that’s pretty normal after a miscarriage… And I don’t know how we’ll react to a negative result as it hasn’t happened yet.  We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. However, I’m doing EVERYTHING in my power to make myself as healthy and as ready as I can for giving this cycle and a potential pregnancy 110%.   We’re as ready for Round 2, I think, as we are ever going to get.

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8 thoughts on “Trying again after a miscarriage – #IVF2

  1. I know that feeling of being ready for a cycle. I think that is a really great time to start. Being pregnant after a loss IS terrifying. And after infertility. So infertility + loss is just hideous in a lot of ways. But it is still also magical some days too. I think the three month break you have had is great and is enough time for all your supplements etc to work their egg quality magic. I will be crossing my fingers for you for a smooth cycle. xx

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    1. I’m so rubbish at keeping up with my blog – sorry!!! Thank you loads and lovely to see your blog update this morning. Got my fingers so tightly crossed that this one is The One x x x

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  2. Thank you for posting this update; I had been wondering how you were doing lately. I just wanted to say that I think running a 10k and raising money for a special cause was a wonderful tribute to Ellie, and I know that you will find many more ways to honor and remember her in the future.

    I’ll definitely be thinking of you guys as you prepare to start a new cycle. I truly can’t believe that it has come so quickly– October had once seemed forever away. I definitely think you’re right in saying that you’re probably as ready as you ever will be to start. I’m sure the process will bring up a lot of different emotions for you both and in some ways it’s not really something you can completely prepare yourself for emotionally. I can imagine that both a positive and negative result are terrifying right now, and as you face these possibilities I will remember to be praying for strength and comfort for you and your husband. ❤

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    1. Thank you loads 🙂 It has come round soooo quickly!!! In July, October seemed so very far away. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Sweet pea’s arrival can’t be far off now?? x x

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  3. Well done on the race and raising money for the miscarriage association! I totally get where you are just now. After my MC, and waiting 4 months until I could try a FET I felt so ready, so sure it was our time. Sadly for us, despite the hope and the prayers, it wasn’t, but you know what, hopefully it won’t happen to you but if it does I found it bearable as it wasn’t as sad as the pregnancy loss. When the time is right it will happen, and yes it will be scary having gone through a previous loss, but I think you also appreciate and enjoy each moment more and I’ve found with each week I’ve grown more confident. it was a lot easier too once I passed the same time as my previous loss. I will be thinking of you guys and praying this is your time. You won’t ever forget Ellie but it’s good to be excited to look forward to trying again.

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    1. Thank you so much. I am very excited about trying again – even though the rational part of me has been trying to be relatively ’emotionless’ about it – my mind and body have other ideas! Thank you loads for your kind words and I hope you (and mini you) are feeling well 🙂 x x x

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