‘So, are you OK now?’

‘So, are you OK now?’

running

The title of my blog is such, as this is a question or variation on a question, that I keep being asked. “Are you OK now?”, “Are you ‘better’?” – those sorts of questions. The questions are all meant well but it’s hard to know how to answer them really.

The answer changes daily.

In essence, the answer to this question is “Yes, I’m fine – quite good actually”. There’s lots of things in our lives to be thankful for and life is mostly good. We have a roof over our heads, each other, four fabulous, gorgeous furbabies, superb family and friends – amongst other things. It will be 2 months this weekend since I miscarried. Although I do feel, essentially, sad about how the pregnancy ended, we are mostly alright. I can get through days on end without shedding a single tear.

Some days, however, I have to tell a little white lie (because it’s easier) and say, “Yeah I’m great, ta”, even though I’m not – and then other people I can be honest with and say –  actually I feel a bit shitty *today* but I’m mostly alright thanks.  But how I do feel seems to be mostly about triggers right now. I’m getting better at avoiding trigger situations or preparing myself and gearing myself for certain situations that are unavoidable but may be difficult.

I read on facebook this story about an old man’s perspective on grief and how the waves are huge to start with and are constant.  Then they are more sporadic.  Then the waves become less ferocious and powerful.  But they are always there. It’s an amazing story and I’m realising that certain things particularly set off the waves of sadness and I’m just having to go with it.

 

When I was first pregnant with Ellie, and also after the pregnancy failed, I had some very very vivid dreams.  I liked dreaming of her, even though it was also sad, and missed it when the dreams stopped.  I haven’t had any vivid dreams of any sort for weeks now – until this week.  Saturday night I dreamt that a lady I used to work with was heavily pregnant.  This was weird as this lady is in her 60’s and I really don’t think she could possibly be pregnant. The dream the following night was pretty bizarre.  I dreamt that I took 3 pregnancy tests and they were all positive.  This is very ‘me’ as I am a bit of a pee on a stick addict…But when I woke up, without me saying a word, Husband said that he had been dreaming all night that I’d been taking pregnancy tests.  He said that the first was positive and the other two he couldn’t tell. This is WEIRD. Anyway, I couldn’t resist peeing on a stick for real that afternoon and it was quite blatantly negative.  Having now experienced positive pregnancy tests, this one could not have been any more negative. Blank as a blank stick can be… Then the next day Aunt Flo arrived.  Pants, eh?!

BUT that means I’ve now had the two required Aunt Flo’s and I can now ring up the IVF clinic on the next.  IVF#2 is sneaking up on us…In the meantime, I’ve just been trying to be as healthy as possible.  I did 7 days of juicing, followed by just eating UBER UBER healthily. I’m still having the odd crazy vegetable juice here and there but avoiding processed food like the plague. Everything is being prepared from scratch – but I’m being no angel and allowing myself the odd treat meal and glass of wine every now and then etc. But my insatiable sweet tooth seems to be a thing of the past and so the juicing did the trick in that respect.  I lost 5lbs on the 7 day juicing week and 2 weeks later, only 1lb of that seems to have gone back on.  I’m a bit of a way from the target I’ve set myself but I’m heading in the right direction anyway…

The 10k I’ve been training for is next week. Yikes.  I was feeling quite discouraged as all the running I was doing was just feeling really hard.  I’ve really struggled to get any level of fitness back after the IVF/pregnancy/miscarriage.  I was getting stitches, cramps, aches and pains whilst running and just feeling so very crap with it all. And not getting very far distance wise – struggling to even do 5k.  I’d resigned myself to the fact I was going to have to do this run but probably walk a majority of it. Anyhow, I went out for a run yesterday and it was great!! I ran 4 miles (not strictly non-stop, I had the odd rest whilst waiting for green men at traffic lights) and I still felt I had something left in my legs afterwards.  So, perhaps it’ll be alright after all… I’m going to give it everything I’ve got anyhow…

And as for IVF cycle #2? I’m feeling alright about that.  My blood tests all came back fine from the clinic which is great news. The doctor rang me and said our case has been reviewed and I can ring up on Aunt Flo 3 (so soon now!!).  This means the doctors have decided on our drug schedule etc. I’m curious as to whether they are planning on sticking with the same drugs/quantities and protocol. I’ll find that all out at the Teach session in October though. I don’t feel nervous about injecting this time at least and I know what to expect from egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  I know the hormones turn me weird/make me tired/crabby/headachy etc. so at least we can prepare (ish) for that. I feel really nervous about it not working –  I don’t know how I’d cope with a negative result. I feel really nervous about maybe miscarrying again. But right now is just about focus and about getting ready again – physically, mentally and emotionally.  Bring it on…

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10 thoughts on “‘So, are you OK now?’

    1. I was so sad to read last night about how your cycle ended. Keep your head up and thinking of you 🙂
      It’s only 10k – but thank you – don’t think I could manage a marathon right now 😉 x x x

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      1. Thank you xx 10k is more than what I can handle right now lol. Saying that I can’t wait to get back into the gym next week to get myself back on the healthy path. 😬

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      2. Just think I need something else to focus on as I have lived and breathed IVF since July😪 I’ve decided to ease myself back in as I’m in quite a bit of pain still, so I will see how I go. Good luck with IVF number 2

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I can really relate to this. Apart from the healthy bit! I think people don’t realise somehow that we’ve been coping just fine but by asking that question it reminds us of our losses! I’m very impressed by the juicing – I lasted about a day. I need to get healthy again! Good luck with the 10k. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!!! The first couple of days of juicing, I felt knackered and so headachy – but it was great after that. Your cake blog has made me feel tempted away from my healthiness though – it looked yum!! x x

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  2. My favorite answer to that question is “I’m functional”. It’s not like I’m falling apart, I can go to work, hangout with friends, even have a good laugh. But honestly it’s like you said…there are good days and bad days and the answer depends on the type of day.

    As for the name thing, I can relate. I’ve also decided that I don’t care if someone names their child what I wanted to name mine. I’m still doing it. They will have their own personalities and lives, and you should get to name your baby whatever you wish because it’s right for you!!! So I say, if it’s still feeling right, you should use that middle name 🙂

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  3. I totally get the “having a hard time with exercise since the miscarriage” thing. I am the same way. I’m impressed with the healthy changes you’ve made. I totally need to find me some willpower and do that too! Good Luck with your 10k and keeping my fingers crossed for a successful IVF.

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