As the end of August approaches, it’s had me thinking about seasons (the beginning of Autumn, my favourite season) and new starts. I work in school years – and although I do the New Year thing in January, I tend to think of a year in terms of starting in September. As September approaches, I start thinking about new stationery (this gets me ridiculously excited) and new notebooks (also gets me giddy) and getting everything tidy and neat for the new term. I write lists in August (this year has been no exception) with lots of good intentions e.g. keep folders neat and don’t use car as an office. I like new starts like this with their hope and good intentions.
I got my new diary in July, I use Paperchase ones, mostly because of their loveliness and the fact that they run July to July. On a similar note, I love new diaries with their freshness, new starts and possibilities. My new diary is spoilt though as the second week of lovely blank pageness, I wrote all my appointments in and this was the week I miscarried. So I had to cross them all out again. In Pen. And I can’t rip the week out – it feels WRONG! But I feel like my new diary is a bit tarnished now. I know this sounds daft but I hate crossing stuff out and making a big mess. I want a new one!!!
Then we have January new beginnings. This year, January 2015, Husband and I both said “Come ON, Bring It On, let’s do it. Let this be the year we get pregnant and have a baby.” When it became obvious that we were going to have to wait till April for our IVF cycle to begin and I still wasn’t pregnant naturally, I did a few calculations in my head, and it became quite clear that 2015 was not going to be the Year of the Baby. When I got pregnant though, it changed to being the Year of the Bump and we had this Great New Start and a baby expected in January 2016. What a way to start 2016 that would have been…
Now, although I don’t know where we’ll be on this journey in January next year, I know Ellie’s due date (January 17th) will make me feel sad. There’s no doubt about it really…So because in my eyes January feels pretty screwed as a new beginning, (because of the upcoming due date and the fact that New Year’s Resolutions never really last or these silly statements of ‘This is our Year, Come ON!!!!’ never ever seem to come to fruition) So I’m choosing right now as September approaches for a New Year and New Start. But as much as you can plan these things in your own head, what control do we have over it all anyway?? Something catastrophically rubbish could happen on September 2nd and blow all the best intentions right out of the water and I have absolutely no control over this.
So, it’s at times like this that having faith comes in pretty damn handy. I’m really having to trust right now that The Big Man Upstairs has something really rather wonderful planned. And I’m just going with it. What’s happened this year has been really rubbish but I’m fairly sure there’s got to be something great ahead. The hard thing about having faith and trust is the fact that we have to WAIT for that hoped wonderfulness and we don’t know how long the wait will be or what form the future will take. God may have adoption planned for us – which I really don’t see as a poor substitute for having our own child (I think people who adopt are AMAZING but we’re just not sure if that’s the right path as yet – plus we feel we should use up all our IVF ‘goes’ before exploring that option) or fostering (mini humans, not more dogs!) or God may just want us to learn some valuable lessons first. If I’ve learnt anything during this whole process, it’s definitely ‘patience’. I never used to be a patient person. Waiting for stuff used to drive me nutty. Somehow, through all this, I’ve just come to accept that I have to Wait. Wait for appointments. Wait for cycles to begin. Wait for results of tests. Wait to start again. And I’ve actually started to be relatively alright with that and just accepted it without stamping my feet or having any little paddies. Because expanding our little family is worth waiting a month here for a space at the clinic, or 3 months there for test results…
In my last blog, I talked a lot about wanting to get off the ‘IVF rollercoaster’ and my counsellor said she didn’t think that I could. I’ve realised now that she’s right. Before our last cycle, I ate and drank a certain way and did everything I could (in my eyes) to ensure its success. I started being quite serious about that in February and then our cycle started early in April. Two weeks ago, my system ‘righted itself’ (I won’t go into details, but Aunt Flo arrived). This hit home that I only have to have one more cycle then on the next I can ring the clinic again. And if all plays nicely, that will be the start of October… Then 21 days after that, I can start jabbing myself in the stomach region again…I think my body returning to normal kind of has shocked me into thinking that I have to get Uber Uber Healthy. And not just like last time, but moreso than last time. I’ve again been reading all my books and looking lots on the internet. I’ve started taking supplements that improve egg quality. I’m having regular acupuncture again. My google search history makes even myself laugh…Today we filled our fridge with vegetables and the fruit bowl is brimming. Because I’m not naive enough to think we are going to go into Cycle 2 and it’s going to just work again. The likelihood of two IVF cycles in a row being successful are so very slim. I didn’t think Cycle 1 would work (as I thought there was no way it could work the first time!). But I know I threw everything I could at it. Plus there was a lot of people praying their socks off…So, come October, I’m throwing everything I can at it. And more. Because if I don’t, I’ll totally kick myself.
A few months back, I dreamt about Hope and I blogged about it here. In brief, I dreamt that God gave me the gift of Hope. When we got pregnant, I thought that must be the meaning of the dream. That the Baby was the Hope that I’d been given. Someone very wise said to me that they thought that this dream was meant for this time in our lives. Right now. I think they’re right.