Getting ready for Round 2…

Getting ready for Round 2…

It’s been around a month since I miscarried our child.  Or 4 weeks last Sunday, an exact month tomorrow. Although I still think of her everyday, the pain is becoming more bearable. The sadness feels less sad and the emptiness feels less empty.  I still know how pregnant I would have been at this point (16 weeks, 4 days) and I am still crying at ridiculous things every now and then. It’s just less often. But wherever I look, there are horrible reminders of what might have been –  baby adverts on TV and baby bumps in Tesco and baby pictures EVERYWHERE – it’s impossible to get away from.  When I log into my online banking I see this…

annoying

Not helpful right now. Just the other day, the Husband and I were stuck in traffic behind this bus.  Delightful.

WP_20150808_001

 

The internet is full of bumps, babies, scan pictures.  Groups on Facebook called ‘Mummies and Daddies of FB’ (Yes, that’s a real group) have pictures and quotes declaring how basically you haven’t lived or known what love is really if you aren’t a ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’. Nice.

The week before last I was sent some breastpads through the post.  I’ve cancelled all my email subscriptions to baby related things but the one that sent me the pads must have slipped through the net somehow. Perhaps I can incorporate them into some comedy fancy dress costume somehow…

But I guess, as much as we’re surrounded by all things ‘baby’ and all things ‘pregnant’ (maybe we’re not, but that’s just how it seems when you’re so conscious of the fact you’re not pregnant anymore) – it’s our reaction to it that’s important I guess.  Some things you can avoid (e.g. stay off the internet and don’t look at adverts on buses) but my fertility counsellor suggested that I avoid all things ‘baby’ and ‘children’ for the time being.  I’m 37.  I’d have no friends.  I love my friends and so therefore I love their babies and get lots of joy from spending time with them and their mini-mes.  I hear what she’s saying but spending time with friends and their children is actually quite nice and it’s not upsetting me which I think is what she was concerned about.

Another thing I talked to my counsellor about in our last session is how I feel I just want to ‘get off the rollercoaster’ for the time being.  To be a bit Kim Kardashian about the whole thing, “I’m like so over it”.  I feel like in the next three months (longer as it’s actually 3 cycles/aunt flo’s and then wouldn’t start injecting until day 21 – so we’re talking forever away really) I want to get off and be ‘normal’. I want to do ‘normal’ stuff and talk about ‘normal’ things. My counsellor said that once you start the IVF journey, she doesn’t think you can truly get off until you reach its conclusion…Great. But I’m doing a fairly good job of pretending I’m not on it at the moment anyway and just focusing on other stuff.  I don’t want life to be like it was before our first cycle.  From January this year, all we thought about was starting IVF, doing IVF, needles, appointments, would it work??  It was our focus. It’s now August and we’re empty handed.  I’m NOT spending the rest of the year like that, waiting for cycle 2…

But anyhow, focusing on other things is taking my focus away from thinking about cycle 2, but at the same time it should hopefully help with entering cycle 2 with a refreshed mind and healthy body. But for now, that feels like a LONG time off…On Friday we have a meeting at the Fertility Clinic to dissect Round 1.  I have no idea what to ask at this point. Round 1 worked – I just didn’t stay pregnant.  I would like to know if they’ll up my drugs/change my drugs so I get more eggs this time but other than that – the doctors and embryologists all did a cracking job.  I don’t know if they’ll change anything because of the miscarriage (e.g. give me aspirin or other drugs) so I guess I can ask that.  But it will be good to have that appointment, draw a line under Cycle 1 and then leave everything in the hands of the Fertility Doctors and the Big Man Upstairs for the time being 🙂

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