Reading this back – it is now obvious to me that something was very wrong. A small amount of brown spotting (it was a teeny amount), loss of pregnancy symptoms, a gut feeling. Oh the benefits of hindsight..
This is the last blog I wrote while still pregnant (or thinking I was still pregnant anyway…)
7th July 2015
I’ve been thinking about the whole ‘pregnancy announcement’ thing a lot lately. Especially now we’re coming up to the 12 week mark and the dating scan. As long as all is well and the baby is doing OK, I’m probably going to ‘come out’ next week as ‘pregnant’. My family and friends pretty much all know anyway as I’m rubbish at keeping secrets and we’re both so excited we keep telling people.
However, because we were both quite open about doing IVF, both via this blog and also asking for our friends’ support on Social Media, it seems only fair to share our news with those people far and wide who were praying for us and had their fingers tightly crossed and were rooting for us all the way.
But the thing is – I don’t really like pregnancy announcements. This doesn’t mean I hate YOU if you’ve ever shared a scan photo or a cutesy pregnancy announcement photo on facebook/twitter/instagram. (In fact I quite like them- they’re sweet). I just hate how it used to make me feel.
Scrolling through my feed and seeing a scan photo in those years whilst trying very unsuccessfully to get pregnant, my heart/stomach/entire innards used to literally hit my shoes, not because I wasn’t happy for one of my friends who was expecting a precious bundle, but because I thought it would never happen to us. EVER.
Since I’ve got pregnant, there’s been a few more scan pictures or ‘pregnancy announcements’ and my body has reacted in exactly the same way. I have no idea why. I think my brain hasn’t really caught up with the fact that I’m pregnant. I don’t feel like ‘A Pregnant Person’. I still feel like a fish out of water. In these cases, I’ve of course offered my GENUINE congratulations – I don’t want anyone to think I’m bitter and twisted about this…
In other news, I am 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant today and on my holidays in Cornwall. The morning we set off, we packed up the car and were ready to go fairly early. I went to the toilet (and sorry if TMI) and found I was spotting a little brown blood. I immediately panicked. I rang the midwife, cried a bit and she said it was good that it was brown and there was only a small amount. She said they wouldn’t see me till I was 16 weeks..she said I could ring the GP, but they wouldn’t listen for a heartbeat till 16 weeks and they may or may not refer me to the midwives and/or an additional scan. The GP offered me an appointment for half 11 that morning. After talking to Hubby, and going to the toilet a few times and checking there was absolutely nothing, we decided to just set off for Cornwall and cancelled the GP appointment. The GP would probably do nothing and if something BAD was happening, there wasn’t really an awful lot they could do to prevent it. And if they referred me for a scan, it probably wouldn’t be that day and we could therefore lose our (much needed) holiday So,we decided instead to set off for our holiday and if something terrible happened on the way to Cornwall, we would find a hospital PDQ and go to A and E. And deal with it if/when necessary. Nice timing body…
So, since then I’ve had no more spotting of any variety so just praying it was nothing. In fact, we’ve both just prayed A LOT this week for the safety of our baby. I’ve also had to cut down on the progesterone like the Fertility Clinic told me to. The placenta should have taken over by now so at 11 weeks, I was told to just take 1 pessary a day and at 12 weeks (Sunday), I should just STOP. Scary stuff. I have noticed a decrease in my pregnancy symptoms, I’m hoping this is because I’ve come up to the end of the 1st trimester, the placenta has taken over and I’ve decreased the progesterone, rather than anything sinister. I’m still absolutely knackered and I cried at an advert the other day (I forget which one – last time it was the KFC one) but the need to eat my own arm constantly has gone. I’m not sure if that’s just because I’m on holiday too and distracted so not constantly thinking about food though. Since the slight bleed, I have started reading Dr Google again – which I had promised a couple of friends that I would stop doing…and I know it’s not a useful or emotionally sensible use of my time. I know I just need to hold on till next Thursday, till that scan and stop analysing EVERYTHING.
We went out for a meal last night in Falmouth. It was lush. I got changed about 4 times before I went. Husband says I’m not as fat as I think I am. I feel HUGE. After our meal, the waitress offered us some complimentary free red wine after paying the bill (I think it was free anyway and she wasn’t trying to just extract more money from us) so I thought to myself, I must just look FAT still and not pregnant if she’s offering me wine. Either that or she was just rubbing my face in the fact I can’t have her delicious red wine (grrrrr). I must say, it is very strange being on holiday and not drinking a drop. Hubby has been enjoying all sorts of Cornish Ales and I have been drinking lime and soda water. I stretched the boat out last night and had an elderflower water. Yum.
Anyway, I’ll be quiet now – as this has turned into rather an early morning essay…