This blog that I wrote when I was around 10 weeks actually makes me laugh a bit as I was thinking a lot at that point about animals and babies. I’d read that you have to ignore your animals a bit more when you’re pregnant so they don’t associate the lack of attention with the baby and get jealous. I think I lasted a half day with this. I talk to them and fuss them constantly. They’re my furbabies! The week after this post, we went on holiday to Cornwall and the holiday was literally all about them. Taking them to the beach, feeding them fish and chips on the harbour, getting fussed from strangers. (I love it when strange people come over to tell me how gorgeous my dogs are!) And since the miscarriage, I’ve just cuddled them constantly and talked to them all the time. There is no love purer and more unconditional than the love of a dog. I really don’t know what I’d have done without them the last 8 days.
And I whinged in this post about feeling fat. I’m going to whinge now too. Except then I felt like I had something to ‘show’ for it. I was troffing food constantly as my body was protesting with nausea if I didn’t. Now I have to lose weight for a baby that won’t show up. In normal circumstances, I would go and cane it round the streets running, go to spinning classes and not eat bread or pasta (or any carbs for that matter) for a few weeks/months to shift the extra lbs. But I know running for the time being would be silly and I haven’t got the imagination at the moment to feed myself on anything other than bowls of cereal or toast. So I’m staying fat for the next few weeks and I’ll just have to live with it.
I think what I can’t get my head round at the moment – rather than thinking about the physical trauma we suffered – is that in January there’ll be no baby. January will come and go and I won’t give birth to our child. That hurts like crazy. I don’t know where we’ll be physically in January. I hope I’ll be pregnant again but there’s no guarantee. The thought that we were going to start 2016 so well was amazing for that short time. And now it just sucks.
The last few days, I’ve felt alright in myself and even been quite sociable. I’ve also been to counselling, been to acupuncture and gone back to work – and in doing so put myself in some dodgy situations (I work with children) where I’ve come face to face with babies/toddlers (siblings of the children I work with, mostly). But it’s actually been OK. I love babies and children and they are the reason we’re putting ourselves through this. Because we love children and want one of our own. I was told at counselling to try and avoid situations at the moment where I’d come in contact with ‘bumps’ and babies. It’s nigh on impossible really. They’re EVERYWHERE. I guess I just have to make sure it doesn’t make me bitter. I hope that won’t happen.
Anyway, I’ll stop warbling – I’m nearly at the end of my pregnancy posts – there’s two more and then the post I wrote the day after I miscarried which I’ve not decided yet whether to post or not…If I do, I think I might edit out some of the details as it’s not very PG currently…
25th June 2015
Tomorrow I’ll be 10 weeks pregnant – WOW!!! It’s gone so slow, yet fast at the same time. Tomorrow little jellybean will be a quarter cooked!
This makes me feel a little panicked. We are not prepared for little jellybean. We have to clear an entire room in order to be ready for jellybean. Actually two rooms as the stuff from Room 1 has to fit into Room 2. (Which has a knock on effect that we need to sort the whole house really). Have not looked at ‘travel systems’ or furniture or breast pumps or walkie talkie things. Have read an article on combination feeding and a PDF on introducing pets and babies. That is the height of my preparation for the actual baby’s arrival so far. Yet at the same time, we don’t really want to do a thing till after the 12 week scan. The 12 week scan which will actually be more of a 13 week scan. Bad planning on our part as we got the date through for the scan and we were on holiday that week so had to ring the hospital and change it till the week after.
As for me, I’ve been a hormonal NIGHTMARE last week. I wouldn’t want to live with me. This week I seem to have calmed down. I read somewhere (bless Dr Google) that the placenta does a lot of developing in Week 9 and can cause a surge in hormones. Not sure how true and factual that all is but could explain why I couldn’t stop crying and was just generally a pain in the arse to be around. I’ve also been knackered. Seriously knackered. But I’m getting in the habit of having half an hour of sleep before work – and even if I just sleep for 10-15 minutes of that and lie down for the rest of it, it seems to sort me out and I feel recharged enough to get through without my eyes being all heavy and closing!
I also feel really FAT. My clothes don’t really fit (or flatter) right now. I think I may be at that awkward stage which people talk about where they are yet to get a bump and just look porky. I don’t look obviously pregnant – I just look like I’ve been on the pies. Which to an extent, I have. My body decides to be hungry every 1.5-2 hours and if I don’t feed it, the nausea starts. I have been weighing myself daily (which I probably shouldn’t) as I wanted to make sure I wasn’t putting on weight too fast but I think I might have to stop doing that. I am trying to eat healthily but I’ve got a little bit of a sweet tooth at the moment too. Living in leggings and big tops. Anything clingyish is just a no-no right now.
I mentioned earlier in this blog about reading up on introducing pets and babies. We’re trying to get them prepared now – we’re trying to get into the routine of walking them first thing (or Husband is anyway) as I normally walk them around 10/11am after breakfast (mine and theirs) and a bit of tidying up etc. This is good as they are coming back around 7.30am, eating breakfast and passing out. I also read that if you get them used to having more quality time now- say half an hour of ‘them’ time (playing ball in the garden or a half hour cuddle) rather than quantity time i.e. constantly talking to them or patting them when you walk past, they will be less likely to associate the arrival of the baby with the change in the attention they receive. And apparently they will come to appreciate that special time more. It’s hard to do as I always talk to them and stroke them/play with them/generally pay attention to them if they are in the same room as me but it does make sense to change OUR behaviours now. (Having said that – halfway through writing this blog, I got up to pee (can only sit for so long before I need to pee) and on the way, walked past Dog 1 and said “Awwwww hello beautiful” and patted Dog 2 on the head). Cat wise, I have bought a Feliway plugin which can stop stress and negative behaviour such as spraying, scratching etc. It’s supposed to release a calming hormone only detectable to cats. Cat 2 who is prone to some naughty behaviours and can be a stresshead has chilled right out (so far, so good) and is laid asleep next to me and definitely seems very calm since we got it. Cat 1 isn’t phased by anything but I’m sure she is benefitting too… If anyone has any dog/cat/pet/baby introduction advice, I’d love to hear it. The more we can do now, the better really. I do worry a little about how I’m going to walk two crazy dogs and a baby but I’m sure there’s a way of doing it…