Looking back at all these pregnancy posts I thought would be harder than it actually has been. I thought it would take me forever to plough through them, crying bitter,sad and resentful tears as I went. But that’s not actually how it’s been. Each day (I’m allowing myself one a day) I’ve got a day closer to getting to the end of Ellie’s journey when she was living inside of me. It feels like moving on somehow. I think ‘Moving On’ is a whole separate blog post…but this week, amongst the tears, we’ve talked a lot about moving on.
- named our baby Ellie. It’s what I called her from day 1 when she was an embryo in the lab and since I dreamt she was a girl. Husband did tell me off for calling her a ‘she’ and told me I’d end up disappointed if ‘she’ was a ‘he’. Then he dreamt she was a girl too. The night I miscarried. I really do reckon both of us can’t be wrong. Have since dreamt of her as a girl since she died so I’m completely convinced. If we get to heaven and Ellie is a he, we just will have a lot of apologising to do…
- talked about a physical memorial and where to put it.
- phoned the fertility clinic. We have to wait 3 months after a miscarriage before we can try again. The doctor in the hospital where I miscarried said I could wait a month to try naturally. We’re kind of hoping for a miracle here so we don’t need another cycle. I have ‘unexplained infertility’ (probably a topic for another day…) so there’s no physical reason, although it’s not happened naturally in over 3 years, why I shouldn’t get pregnant naturally. Have sent a very heartfelt request to the Big Man Upstairs.
- booked counselling for Monday. The fertility clinic offers this service free of charge and although I think the amount of crying I am doing right now is a normal amount for what has happened, it is probably a sensible idea to utilise this service.
- talked to my acupuncturist. I saw her yesterday and told her what had happened. I’ve been reading about acupuncture helping to realign the body after miscarriage and get the reproductive system back to normal. So I’m booked in.
- although we’ve been self medicating this week with chocolate, wine, cake, sweets, pizza etc., the plan is to get back into the healthy exercise and eating plan I was following pre- IVF on Monday. I need to shift the IVF/early pregnancy ‘troffing all carbs in sight’ weight really and get in tip top shape – or even better – for a potential subsequent pregnancy. Hubby is planning similar to help those little swimmy things be the best swimmy things ever. I want to start running again but not sure how long after miscarrying is a sensible amount of time to wait.
I know we’ll never ever forget her and we’ll feel sad for some time to come. But moving on will help us to heal – and having a plan helps.
I wrote this on 17th June 2015:
“It’s been hard to get this far into pregnancy and not be able to blog. Blogging through the tricky experience of IVF and all its physical and emotional challenges really helped me to process my thoughts and feelings. Plus the support from the Blogging Community is just ace. Pregnancy is pretty emotional and confusing (in a good way) and it has been hard to not write about it. I can write and save them in my drafts but it doesn’t quite feel the same. Roll on the 12 week scan when we can just come clean as ‘Pregnant’ and I can blog again!
But I thought in this post I’d just jot down what I make of pregnancy so far and how I’ve been feeling:
- Firstly I LOVE it. I love being pregnant. I love that there’s a little wriggly raspberry sized combination of me and Husband growing within me. I think it’s amazing and am in total awe of how that can be happening. I’m not sure if I’m so in love with this process because I don’t feel quite as crappy as I know some women do in the first trimester. But nonetheless I love it and am enjoying being pregnant thus far. BUT saying that, it is really, really hard work and all the changes and random feelings and emotions are confusing and I don’t quite understand what’s happening from one moment to the next…And sometimes I just feel like CRAP. Being Pregnant also makes me slightly anxious because I’m constantly thinking and worrying about my baby and about what’s going on in my body. It’s hard not being or feeling in control.
- I’ve not felt too sick. At first this really worried me, but since the 7 week scan, and seeing little jellybean’s heartbeat and talking to a few trusted friends, I’ve realised you don’t need to hurl every day to definitely be pregnant. And it’s great that I’m not. I felt really quite sick in week 4/5 (midwife said it could have been hormone surge) and I feel sick if I leave too long between eating but all in all, I’ve been relatively OK. Hoping it stays that way…
- I’m knackered. Really knackered. I can’t get over how knackered I am. All The Time. For what I have escaped in Morning Sickness, my body is certainly making up for in Fatigue. I am doing quite a lot of resting/napping and I know about it if I don’t. If I don’t have a nap during the day, I’m sleepy by 5pm and I also have been wanting to go to bed a lot earlier than I did before Pregnancy.
- I love food. I did before but I really do now. Probably because if I don’t eat every few hours, I start getting all hot and sweaty – then I get dizzy and feel faint and I literally have to put some food in my mouth or I feel like I’m going to be sick. But I am being a bit pernickity about food – in that I can never decide what I want to eat. There’s been a lot of wandering around shops, just looking at food and thinking, “hmmmm, what do I actually fancy” then eating something and thinking, “Oh, I didn’t want to eat that”. I’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth at the moment too, but not sure if that’s the pregnancy or just me… Also, I can’t eat as much in one go as I previously did (I get full really quickly – probably because I’m full from constant snacking) and can’t eat much at all on an evening. And not liking spicy food.
- Smells – I hate the smell of alcohol right now. Bork. Also, coffee doesn’t smell nice and in the past week I’ve even decided decaf tea (that I’ve been drinking loads since February) tastes weird. I’m running out of stuff to drink. Been drinking a lot of water and milk and fruit juice instead. Perfume and aftershave I am not liking the smell of and Husband has been asked to put his deodorant on in another room if I’m still in bed in a morning.
- I feel fat (again probably because of constant snacking) and my lady lumps have been threatening to take over the world since week 5. I am now on new bra number 2 since getting pregnant. I bought the first new size at Week 5 of pregnancy – not helped by IVF drugs blowing me up also. By Week 8, I needed another. This one is not underwired and slightly ugly. But it is comfortable so I don’t care. I am noticing myself changing shape i.e as well as my lady lumps taking over the world, my waist is thickening slightly too. I’m really bloated and have been since IVF (it’s never gone down). I tried my jeans on after Embryo Transfer (I had been living in leggings during treatment – more comfy) and they were very, very uncomfortable. So they were abandoned before I even knew I was pregnant. I luckily had some jeans in the next size up and also recently won some Maternity Jeans on Ebay for 99p (Result!) I have to say Maternity Jeans are sooooo comfortable! Everyone should have some for The Time of The Month!! Some may say 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant is too early for Maternity Wear but I am comfortable so I don’t really care. I don’t really want to force myself into clothes that are uncomfortable where waistbands are digging in etc. I’ve got some longer tops which cover the black material band thingy so no-one knows they’re maternity jeans anyway!
- I’m not really sleeping very well. Not quite sure why. Peeing several times at night doesn’t help. I also can’t seem to get comfortable. This probably contributes to my need to sleep during the day…
- I’m a little more emotional than normal. I cry at really stupid stuff and anything daft can set me off. And I’m not talking the odd tear rolling down my face. I’m talking ‘The world is ending’ tears. I’m also just being really irrational (poor Husband) . In fact, I would say the crazy hormones are actually the worst bit to date.
- BUT not a day goes by where I don’t think about how lucky we’ve been. I know it’s still early days but not for one second did I believe that IVF would work for us first time. Of course I’d heard stories where it worked first time and I know people who were successful the first time. But I didn’t believe we could be that lucky -out of 3 mature eggs, one made it and several times people said to me “It only takes one egg!” and it’s just so true. We are so thankful for the one that has made it and is growing inside me. What a fabulous little Fighter :-).”