It seems quite ironic, fitting, weird, strange, gorgeous – whichever way you choose to look at things that this next one should come up this morning. Because I spent the whole night dreaming of her.
I dreamt I gave birth to her afterall and I was holding her in my arms. I was so confused as I thought she had died. I didn’t have any baby stuff and I wasn’t ready for her. I was panicking about what I was going to do about work as I hadn’t told anyone my baby girl was coming. She was a very peaceful and happy baby and she didn’t cry once. I was panicky as I didn’t have anything to feed her and my friend came round and said, “Look, we really should change her nappy” but I didn’t have any of those either. She didn’t seem bothered about the lack of nappy changing or food though, she just wanted to snuggle ❤ I saw her little face and she was just beautiful.
Obviously this dream made me cry upon awakening, but I also feel like her soul is there waiting to meet me and Husband more than ever. Husband is convinced that she lives on, we just have to make her another body. I’m not sure how it all works – I don’t have the answers.
The day I went for this scan, I was sooo scared, followed by so relieved followed by so happy. I don’t know what went wrong after this. But I am so happy and grateful that I got to see our baby that one time:
14th June 2015
“This week we got to see our beautiful baby (yes, there’s just one!) on a screen and say ‘hello’ to them for the very first time. I can’t even begin to go into what a relief this was…
The days leading up to the scan were fraught. The hours and minutes even worse. I had convinced myself that it was going to be really, really bad news. Thoughts of ectopics, a baby without a heartbeat, news that it had stopped growing weeks ago all were running through my mind constantly. I had managed to stop peeing on a stick (I weaned myself off that habit around week 5/6) so I was relying on pregnancy symptoms to actually convince me that it was real. But then I was telling myself that the pregnancy symptoms could be caused by the extra progesterone I have to take. Arrrrgggghhh.
All in all, I was a mess before the scan. I tried to reel it in as Husband’s birthday was the day before and we had a weekend of nice things planned. (Posh meal out, barbeque with friends and car racing (watching it, not doing it).
So, the day of the scan arrived. I was tense. We got stuck in a MASSIVE traffic jam. Husband is not known for his patience in such situations. We were on time, but it didn’t matter anyhow as they were running half an hour behind. We went into the Early Pregnancy Unit and waited with lots of couples, some with small children and babies. Most of them had huge bumps. I whispered to Husband, “This is ridiculous – they shouldn’t make you wait in the same room as all these PREGNANT people.” Husband told me to more or less, “Shut up”. Crossing over from the category ‘Infertile’ to the category ‘Infertile Pregnant Person’ is something that I wish I’d known would be so hard. I’m getting there. Especially since the scan. Things are beginning to sink in and seem Real!
Anyhow, the scan…we were called into the room and as usual, I whipped my lower garments off and hopped on the bed. The lady said that she would be quiet for a while so she could check everything was OK. I was already very close to tears at this point and Husband was holding my hand very, very tightly. I was watching her face very carefully to try and read her expression but I guess they are trained to keep their faces very normal anyway.
After a few minutes, she told us she could see one sack and one baby with a heartbeat, measuring at 7 weeks and 2 days. Words can not even begin to describe how that felt. I cried as soon as she told me that and even more so when she showed us our baby and its little flickering heartbeat. It was seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen and a miracle.
She then turned the screen away and checked my tubes and ovaries. She had to check that Elvis or Ellie (whichever one wasn’t in the uterus) hadn’t sneaked off somewhere and implanted somewhere they shouldn’t – but all was clear. Phew! Then she showed us our baby again and printed off a photo. So, we went back to the Waiting Room while she prepared the report for the Fertility Clinic.
Husband went back to work whilst I went over to the Clinic. The nurse (I was so pleased as it was my favourite nurse!) came to speak to me and she was so genuinely pleased that I was pregnant. She cooed a bit over my scan picture and then advised me on how to reduce the Progesterone pessaries so that I would eventually be off them at 12 weeks and also gave me a form to fill in and send back when the baby is born (wow, that seems a long way off). Then she told me that I was dispatched as a ‘normal pregnancy’ and I am now officially under the doctors/midwife rather than the Fertility Clinic. Happy Days but also very scary as I now have to try and fit into the ‘Normal Pregnant Person’ world where I feel a little lost and like I don’t really belong. One thing I do know, is every single day when I wake up, I thank God for the little miracle that is growing inside me and aim to enjoy this pregnancy, no matter how ill/fat/knackered it makes me.
Next stop, the 12 week scan. I cannot wait to see our baby again 🙂 “