I was 6 weeks pregnant when I wrote this post…Today, I have woken up and I feel even emptier than ever. I know this is going to be a long, slow healing process. Even though it was too early to feel the baby moving, I could feel her presence within me and it’s awful now she’s gone and I can’t feel her anymore. We walked out the house Saturday night as a threesome, and came back on Monday night as two.
I’m constantly asking myself if I could have done something different. Should I have not eaten X, Y or Z? Did the dog pull me too hard when I was walking her? Did I lift something too heavy? Should I not have had my hair highlighted?? The list goes on. I guess I can’t think this way – miscarriages happen so commonly and I guess I did nothing wrong. I know I couldn’t have possibly loved or wanted her more than I did, so that’s not why she left so soon.
It’s early days and I’m just trying to plan ahead to our next IVF cycle – I was brave and rang the clinic yesterday for next steps and a session with the counsellor (whilst also praying for a natural miracle in the meantime – once I’ve stopped miscarrying of course…). And just trying to be kind to ourselves. Here’s the post from May:
28th May 2015
“Only 12 days to wait until our scan!! Can not wait to see our little baby(ies) and see their heartbeat. (Not dismissing idea of plural babies considering we had two embryos put back but from now on would prefer to talk about singular ‘baby’. Twins would be gorgeous but also very, very hard work but I am totally prepared to get what I’m given). I’ve been enjoying reading everyday how our little baby is growing and the size it is now at. Apparently, the baby’s heart is currently the size of a poppy seed and is now beating. Amazing!!!
As for me, I’ve not been feeling too bad. Had really bad fatigue, a couple of headaches, some mild nausea and sore lady lumps but otherwise I’ve been feeling in the main, OK. The main problem has been convincing me that I’m actually pregnant. I have curbed my Pregnancy Test Addiction. I have only taken two in the last week which I think is a slight improvement. They still tell me that it’s positive and I have managed to just take them on days I wake up and ‘don’t feel very pregnant’. Hopefully the scan will put my mind at ease and convince me there is actually a little life growing in there. I’ve kind of convinced myself because I’m not waking up and vomming every morning, that I’m not really pregnant.
I had to go to the fertility clinic yesterday as I was running out of progesterone. One of the nurses was LOVELY when she went to get my prescription. She asked me if I was pregnant and I told her I was (I can’t get used to saying that) and she looked so genuinely happy for me. I’m back again next week for the last support group. The support group is ran in blocks of 6 sessions and tomorrow’s is number 6. We’ve decided to all go out for a meal after the session and definitely all stay in touch.
That’s all for now…”