As a tribute to my unborn, but very loved baby, I’d like to publish the blog posts I wrote when I was carrying her. There’s quite a few so I won’t publish them all at once. Firstly it’ll clog up everyone’s feed and Secondly it’s pretty hard to read back but I can cope with reliving one at a time. Just. So today, on the day that should have been our ‘Big Scan’ I’m publishing the first one:
19th May 2015
“Today is the day I can officially test. However, I’ve known the outcome for a week now…
Last Tuesday, which was only 7 days into having the transfer done, I woke up feeling so very sick and my lady lumps were absolutely killing me. I was home alone (so there was no-one here to tell me off) and I was going a little crazy so I decided to pee on a stick (POAS). I only had very cheap tests and it was way too early but I thought it couldn’t harm. Sure enough, there was the very faintest of lines…
Tuesday night, I laid in bed convinced it wasn’t a line and I’d imagined it. I couldn’t sleep and was being all emotional and tearful. I’d convinced myself I wasn’t pregnant and the IVF had failed. Damn hormones. So I took another test at 3am. What else is there to do at that time when you can’t sleep?! But again, I could see a very, very faint line. I took another test at 6am. Even husband thought he could see a line on this one but he wasn’t totally convinced.
Wednesday daytime, I had support group so I was in Big Town. This was great as I was way too embarrassed to go back to our local Tesco and buy more tests, especially since the self service helper lady had made a comment when I bought 4 last Monday. (So I went to Morrisons and bought some from there instead later that week – the lady there did not comment). So anyway, in Boots I found tests which show a line 6 days before your period is due!! Magic!!! So, being the classy bird I am, I went to Marks and Spencer’s (I was DYING with anticipation at this point and could not wait till I got home) toilets and POAS. The test line came up straight away, even before the control line. How I did not faint, squeal, cry, scream or a combination of all, is beyond me. But I thought to myself, “Must not get excited” as is still such early days. I, instead, calmly went home and produced said stick to Husband for his perusal. This one convinced him…
Since then I have POAS numerous times. I am obsessed with POAS. I have used the digital ones too which for the first time EVER do not say the nasty words ‘Not Pregnant’. They say nice things to me. I like them again. I have a whole drawer full of used pregnancy tests. Supermarket own brand ones, Clear Blue ones, First Response ones, Pound shop ones. We could have put our child through University with the money I’ve spent on Pregnancy Tests (not really).
Husband is delighted. I am delighted. But worried obviously. We know that we’re not safe yet. But I also know that I want to enjoy every second of being pregnant. So far, symptom wise, I have had:
- Sore lady lumps
- Overwhelming tiredness during the day
- Digestion ‘issues’
- Weird ‘I don’t know what to eat’ cravings. I wandered round Tesco aimlessly yesterday for ages just staring at food wondering what I wanted to eat. I settled on a pink doughnut and strawberry milkshake. It still didn’t hit the spot.
- Twinges and slight cramping and ‘pulling’ type sensations
And I’m loving the fact I’m pregnant. Never did I think I’d get to even experience being pregnant. I have let myself in the last few days enjoy looking at baby clothes again. For the last couple of years, I just haven’t been able to even LOOK at baby clothes or any sort of baby paraphernalia as it just upsets me. But I have been enjoying looking at little socks and dresses and t-shirts and cute little sleepsuits and dungarees (as could be pink or blue, afterall) as I finally know that our dream could be possible. I went to Mothercare yesterday and let myself have a little look around. At little Moses baskets and prams and cots and mobiles. It was great. Far too early to even consider buying anything though… Have also been enjoying looking at maternity clothes – in real life and on the t’internet. Some of them are gorgeous 🙂 But I know in reality that if/when the bump appears, I will just be bunging on what is comfy/what fits rather than looking all glam with a bump (although it’s a nice thought).
I imagine myself looking like this:
In reality, I will probably look like this:
I am absolutely fascinated with the miracle that is going on inside my body and keep reading about how the little embryo(s) is/are developing each day. I LOVE being pregnant (did I say that already??!) and intend to enjoy it as much as I can.
I rang the hospital this morning and reported back the positive test result and they have booked us in for a viability scan in a few weeks time. It’s going to be hard waiting for that but I’m just trusting that they know what they are doing and also trusting that God is looking after our little baby(ies). Very curious as to whether one or two decided to implant!!
Have a lovely day x x “