A few weeks ago, I was feeling fairly low. It was in one of the ’72 hour’ callback periods which turned into a week of waiting for a phone call to find out if they’d accepted us that month. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not good at waiting – and waiting for something massive like this and feeling so in limbo was something I really struggled with.
Anyhow, during that time I had a dream. I dreamt that I was having a conversation with God. Now I know that some of my friends who read this blog are God cynics/atheists – don’t worry I’m not going to get all ‘Can I talk to you about God on a street corner?’ on you – Bear with.
So, this dream came at a time when I was starting to doubt our decision to even do IVF. I was (silently) asking whether it was right to mess with nature and if biology wasn’t quite working for us, maybe it was just our destiny to not have children. This was in a kind of “woe is me” way, rather than making any sensible, level-headed decisions or rationally thinking things through in my little mind. I wasn’t in a happy place.
In my dream, I asked God if he had a gift for me (my churchy friends will be familiar with the idea of spiritual gifts). God replied that he was giving me the gift of Hope. Then I woke up and felt more peaceful than I had in days/weeks.
Now whether it was a message from the Big Man Upstairs or I’d eaten too much stinky blue cheese, make up your own minds, but it certainly sorted me and my doubts about doing this whole fertility treatment out good and proper. Since that dream, the word ‘Hope’ has literally been popping out at me everywhere I look. And it’s Hope, I know, that will get us through the coming months.