One egg, one basket…

One egg, one basket…

When we did our IVF cycle which resulted in Felicity, we made 6 embryos. Two were put back and made our beautiful baby girl. Out of the remaining 4, one was good enough for the freezer.

For the last 11 days, I’ve been injecting myself with Buserelin in preparation to take that beautiful little lone embryo home.

We don’t know how this will pan out, but we know that we have to try.

It’s been a little different doing all this with a 21 month in tow. Half of me feels quite relaxed, as in ‘ We have Felicity and so if this works it’s an amazing bonus’, the other half of me feels stressed about making appointments, whether it’s insensitive of me to take her to a fertility clinic waiting room where people are still waiting for their miracles, just generally fretting about logistics. My husband now works in London during the week and I’m worried he won’t be able to make it to the transfer…

So I know I need to chill out and just let it all happen (easier said than done with the horror hormone drug Buserelin pumping through my system…)

But what I have found, is that I’ve really missed my blog this time round. For venting, and getting my head round how it’s all making me feel.

So I guess I’m back!!

And here is an up-to-date picture of our gorgeous Felicity:

Felicity’s birthday week

Felicity’s birthday week

Two weeks ago, Felicity turned One, and I miscarried another baby.

I’ll start from the beginning here. I’ve never been able to understand these stories when people get to be quite pregnant, as in more than 5 or 6 weeks pregnant but have no idea. I always think HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW????!!!! But I did exactly that. I was according to my calculations 11 weeks and a day pregnant when I discovered the fact I was ‘With Child’.

Somehow conceived naturally after 6 years of unexplained infertility, this baby came as quite a big surprise. But when I took the test on the Sunday night, 2 short days before my daughter’s 1st birthday, everything suddenly started to make sense:

  • My erratic periods since Felicity (every 3 weeks) had slowed down and I hadn’t had one in 6 weeks (d’oh, as if that wasn’t a giveaway…)
  • The fact I hadn’t really mega changed my eating or exercising habits, yet my stomach had really rounded and felt quite hard (more than once I’d prodded it and thought to myself it felt like my pregnant stomach did). In fact, I was finding it quite hard to fit into my clothes…
  • The fact that it crossed my mind a few times to take a test and was totally niggling at me, but I thought nah, I won’t be pregnant. It’s not like I’ve done anything -i.e. stuck myself with needles and had an embryo implanted in there – to GET pregnant!
  • The number of naps I’d taken with Felicity on an afternoon because I couldn’t keep my eyes open (rather than putting her down and getting on with stuff). Which I had just put down to tiredness from having a One Year Old.
  • I’d felt twinges and twanging, only felt before during pregnancy – but again, I thought it couldn’t possibly be…

So, because I had actually bled (which fooled me into thinking I’d had a period) since the alleged conception date, I took myself off to the EPU on the Monday. To cut a long story short, I knew just by looking at the lady who scanned me’s face that it wasn’t good. She asked me again, whilst scanning me, for the story behind the pregnancy, periods, dates etc. then finally said “Sorry, I can’t see a sack in your uterus”. She said she should be able to see one from 5 weeks…All whilst her assistant entertained my 364 day old daughter with water in the sink (she had been there for nearly 3 hours at this point and was quite frankly fed up…). They showed me on the screen my thickened lining, showing evidence there had been a pregnancy, or was one somewhere, but hidden. They asked me how I felt. I said I was disappointed. It was the only word I could come up with. They took me to a quiet room as I’d said that I really needed to change my daughter’s nappy and they thought I could do with some space.

An hour later, I went to find a nurse, as I just had a small inkling (!) that they’d forgotten about me. They had been calling me in the waiting room as the notes hadn’t been updated with the fact I was in a quiet room. So, a nurse came and took my blood and chatted to me for a bit. We discussed the possibility of it being ectopic and that I was having a failing pregnancy and then I went home. And wrapped my daughter’s presents and put up Happy Birthday banners in the lounge. I went to bed and just prayed that nothing would happen the next day to spoil Felicity’s birthday.

Felicity’s birthday was perfect. My back had really started to hurt in the meantime. This is how my first miscarriage started, so I knew something was on its way. But this is what painkillers are invented for. I drugged myself up and pretended it wasn’t happening. Felicity and I went to the park on her new trike whilst Dad was at work. We played with her new toys and ate a nice lunch together. On the evening, we went out for tea with some friends. By now, I could feel my stomach had got incredibly bloated, sore and uncomfortable – similar to Miscarriage Number 1 also. After putting Felicity to bed and getting ready for bed myself, I noticed I had started to spot. Overnight the miscarriage began.

Since then, I had 3 more blood tests and they still couldn’t rule out ectopic because of my numbers. The HCG is really being very slow to leave my body. It went from 780 to 500ish to 400ish down to 291 last Sunday. They told me what signs and symptoms to look out for with an ectopic – and that if I spot any, I need to go straight back in. They called it a Pregnancy of an Unknown Location. Or something.

So, the bleeding lasted just under a week and I naively thought that was it.  It was over. Until last Friday evening.  I’d been feeling fine for a couple of days and my husband and I decided to go out to our local for tea with Flic. We had a lovely time, and then came home, put Felicity to bed and settled down for the evening with a glass of wine and a movie.

Just as I was going to bed (I always go first as I am generally permanently knackered), this indescribable pain hit my abdomen.  It was so horribly painful and I was writhing around in agony trying to get it to stop. I went to tell my husband about it and promptly vomited all over the lounge rug. He got me the mop bucket (for sick purposes) then I proceeded to spend the next ten minutes seeing my tea again…

I called the EPU (as I was in flipping agony) and they told me to come straight in.  My husband called an ambulance (who told us that someone would ring me back in 90 minutes) then called a taxi and sorted out childcare for Flic…So, to cut a very long story short, we spent the early hours of Saturday morning (until 4.30am) in the EPU. They gave me drugs, took my blood, tested my urine, took my vitals etc etc. and then we waited for a doctor (who obviously needed to wait for the blood test results – to be fair). Meanwhile we tried to sleep on the benches of the waiting room.

The doctor basically told me there was not a lot they could do.  The pain was the ‘baby’ leaving my body from wherever it may be and it was the pain of miscarriage I was experiencing. My levels had reduced (to around 100) so they weren’t worried about tubes rupturing and they didn’t want to scan me – as they couldn’t find the sack on a scan with 791 HCG, so there was no hope of locating it now…

So, semi reassured, we went home at 4.30am, with instructions to take codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen and come back in a week to see where we were HCG wise.

It’s so different miscarrying when you already have a baby-yet it’s strangely the same. In regards to the same: a baby has still died. I still feel the same pain of my body failing me and keep analysing every single moment of the last 2 months – wondering why it happened? What went wrong?  It still feels so unfair. 6 years of infertility and suddenly I get pregnant naturally, yet my body can’t even do that right.  I know we have our little miracle now (Felicity is all I ever wanted and more) but this seems so cruel.

But on the other hand, I have just had to get on with things. The pain is different this time but I couldn’t possibly tell you if it’s better or worse. Last time I miscarried in hospital, with a lot of strong painkillers and a lot of rest and without a one year old wanting to rough and tumble and attach herself to my person and need carrying around. I still have to get up with her at 6am and feed her, play with her, change her, help her nap, entertain her, put her to bed and get up during the night with her. So, I couldn’t possibly tell you emotionally how I feel right now as I’ve just had no time to process it.

When we miscarried the first time, my husband wrote about it being like a Game of Snakes and Ladders. Except this time, we had no clue we were even on the board. I knew I was pregnant for less than 24 hours. And I didn’t truly believe it, or think that it could be viable. I hadn’t felt sick, gone off coffee or wine, or wanted to hurl at certain smells. I hadn’t wanted to troff hash brown toasties. Something didn’t ring quite right about it. Yet, I had a few times in the short time it could have been viable, had fleeting thoughts about whether I was carrying a boy or a girl. Where we would put both children, would I need a double buggy??. But at the same time, I never let myself run away with these thoughts.

However, amongst all this, Felicity turned One. I realise I haven’t blogged much about her in the last year. She takes up all my time, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is amazing. She lights up our world every day. She is so full of fun and loves laughing. Felicity is always busy and loves playing, looking at her books and inventing little games with her toys. She is really headstrong and just in general, an amazing little girl. We are really blessed to have her.  Happy 1st birthday Felicity – you are so precious and we love you more and more every day x x


‘Mothering’ Sunday

‘Mothering’ Sunday

I haven’t blogged in a long time. In fact, I didn’t ever finish writing the birth story. Or our struggle with feeding.  It’s all a bit hazy now and feels a lifetime ago.  I think that’s why people go on to have 1 or 2+ children more…

But I find myself tonight with the urge to blog. Mothering Sunday and its imminence has made me feel the need.

Felicity is now 7 and a half months old. Still I really struggle with the term ‘mother’. I find it so hard to believe that this girl of perfection is my daughter.  When people cuddle Flic and hand her back to me, saying ‘go to your mum’, I find myself thinking ‘Oh yes, that’s me.  I’m her MUM!’ I worry everyday that I’m not doing her justice as her mother, that I’m not doing enough ‘stuff’ with her and that I’m not good enough. I think that’s pretty normal and that they call that ‘Mum Guilt’.  It’s worst on the days I feel most sleep deprived and deranged. I still feel that someone will knock on the door one day and say “Look, you’ve had your fun being her mum, hand her back now.” I know that sounds ridiculous but I think it’s just a hangover from waiting and struggling to become pregnant and have a child.

So, this Sunday is Mothering Sunday. A day I’ve avoided like the plague for the last 6 years +. I’ve no idea how I’m going to feel come Sunday.  Part of me doesn’t want to celebrate it as it doesn’t seem fair to ‘go to the other side’ and celebrate becoming a mum when others are still struggling to become mothers or have lost their mums. Another part of me wants to really celebrate the fact that Felicity is here with us and part of our family at long last.

So, how it’s actually going being a ‘Mother’??:

Felicity is 7.5 months old.  She’s fantastic and brings so much joy to our lives.  She’s such a happy little girl and is so smiley and funny. Her character is really starting to show; she’s very headstrong and shows her preferences loud and clear!

She is now on solids (and has been a while) and LOVES her food.  We started off on baby rice and porridge and moved onto purees (fruit and veg). She hasn’t refused anything yet. She’s now eating finger foods too and likes melon, avocado, toast, scrambled eggs etc. and I love cooking stuff for her and watching her taste it.  The dogs are being very good hoovers after she has eaten too and particularly like cleaning up banana pancakes and cheese on toast! She’s still a big milk fan, although sometimes the world is way too interesting and she’d rather be watching/doing and then we end up with a Milk Emergency!

Flic can roll around and crawl backwards and loves her jumperoo and walker.  She is starting to go forwards in her walker (after initially only being able to go backwards!)  and finds the whole thing hilarious.  She loves watching (terrorising) the animals and loves stroking them (under supervision).

We both love going to baby yoga and on playdates with her baby friends. She also likes baby sensory classes and our walks round the park with the dogs.

Sleepwise, she had been doing roughly 6-6, but she’s a bit all over the place at the moment. She’s decided she would like to do an extra night feed (which she HAD dropped at 3-4 months old!) again.  She’s in her own room where she loves the space of the big cot but every now and then I bring her back into her cot in our room when she’s having a bad night to save me being up and down like a yoyo…last night she refused to go down in her own room so I put her back in the Next To Me and she did half 12 to half 6. Napwise, there is just no real routine.  She sleeps in the sling after her breakfast and when we are both dressed and has a longer nap sometimes after her dinner.  It depends on what we are doing. She normally has that nap on me or in the pushchair or the car if we are out. She doesn’t like to nap in the cot. If I manage to get her in the sling in time, I get stuff done. If not, I enjoy a snuggle and a bit of TV time. Baby snuggles are the best ❤

Some days I get tired and past it and cry.  Those days pass. It doesn’t mean I love her any less; it just means I am knackered and can’t see the wood for the trees.  Mothering is constant and there’s no such thing as Time Out.

But all in all, becoming a Mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me and such a privilege. I love watching Felicity growing and developing into such a wonderful little girl. But I will never forget ‘the struggle’.  It has made me who I am now, and most probably shaped me as a Mother.

Here are a few pictures of her taken during the last few months:


A day in the life on maternity leave

A day in the life on maternity leave

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m really really not complaining about maternity leave. It is the best (yet most intense) ‘job’ I’ve ever done in my life. The reward is amazing – I get to spend time with my wonderful little girl who delights me every day. But some might (mistakenly) think it’s a cushty number where one sits around  cooing at their baby whilst drinking tea and eating cake with other cushty people who are also on maternity leave whilst getting (a small amount of) maternity pay for doing so.  Mums are on duty 24/7, they literally never stop for a second,  yet get a pretty bad press. This is an example of one of my days on maternity:

1am – The baby wakes up coughing.  I wonder to myself if she will resettle or I should just go and make her a bottle now.

1.20am – The baby didn’t resettle and is grumbling. I go to make her a bottle then change her nappy.  She smiles at me when I pick her up and giggles whilst I change her nappy. Cute ❤

1.50am – The baby has been fed and burped.  I attempt to go back to sleep which takes around 20 minutes or so.

6am – The baby wakes up and starts chattering to herself. It takes me a bit longer this time to rouse myself into a state where I can make a bottle (but I obviously do). The baby smiles at me as I lift her out of her cot, drinks her milk then we both go back to sleep when she is winded.

7.30am – The baby wakes up coughing (I hate this cough – it is lingering on and it really bothers her at night/early morning. The doctor said it was viral and should clear up in 10 days…).  I pick her up and pat her back and she projectiles stuff (milky mucus/mucusy milk?) all down my back…I clean us both up and then chat to her in bed for a while.

8.30am – I take the baby into the lounge and put her in her chair.  I make myself some breakfast and she watches me eat every mouthful. I am loving this phase she is having where she loves watching me eat – because I get to eat and she is entertained by it!

9am – I’ve just got dressed (well sort of dressed if tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt count) so I wrap the baby up warm and strap her to me in the front carrier, put leads on our two dogs and take them all for a walk.  The baby falls asleep in the carrier pretty much instantly but did wake up and have a little grumble a couple of times on our walk. Mostly when I shout the dog’s names, which is par for the course.  Her first word will probably be “Dog1getoutthemudnow”.

9.45am – I get in the house, shot the dogs (nicely) in the kitchen, take the baby out of her carrier and de-layer her a bit.  I put her down in her basket, go into kitchen, clean mud off the pesky labrador, take their leads off, prepare breakfast for the animals (including mixing in copious amounts of medication for the cocker spaniel who has an inoperable tumour), sort doggy drinking water and make a bottle for the baby.

10am -Still in my scuzzy dog-walking clothes, I feed the baby and burp her. She normally naps around this time so I put her down in her cot in the bedroom. I can hear her talking to herself on the monitor but she normally talks herself to sleep so I leave her to it. So I then go into mad crazy lady mode as I have NO IDEA HOW LONG I HAVE HERE TO DO EVERYTHING!!! So I:

  • Wash and sterilise bottles
  • Take washing out of washing machine (mostly bibs and muslins..)
  • Fold said washing and split it into his, her, baby clothes
  • Put another load of washing on
  • Put washing away
  • Have a quick tidy round
  • Put three different types of eye drops into the poorly dog’s eyes
  • Make a cup of coffee (the first of the day – which I may or may not get to drink but it’s a start getting to make one…)
  • Sort online banking/life admin.  Send a few emails. Order a mattress and sheets for travel cot.
  • Pack bag for baby sensory.  Today is the Christmas party and there is a photographer there with a really good deal (£25 for 4 photos and a CD with all the photos see takes on.)  If she happens to vom all over the Christmas clothes I put her in, I’d like her to have other spare Christmas clothes in her bag!!

10.45am – I can hear her still talking to herself – but she’s being a bit more grumpy and shouty about it so I go to her.  She’s obviously not in the mood to nap this morning…so I go in the bedroom and chat to her and entertain her a bit while I get changed out of my scuzzy tracksuit bottom and t-shirt.  I did hope for a shower this morning, but not sure I can quite get away with her being entertained for long enough for that to happen today. I discover all my leggings are in the wash (probably covered in milk) so grab a pair of maternity jeans I had piled up ready to be stored away and hope I can get away with them for the day. At least they are clean even if I am no longer up the duff. And my t-shirt and cardigan are clean and fit properly anyway so my ensemble will do…I spray some dry hair shampoo in, wipe foundation onto my eyebags and put some eyeshadow on. It’s an attempt at makeup anyway…I have no idea where my lipstick is (probably in the nappy bag which is where everything ends up!)

11am –  I change the baby’s nappy and put her cute Christmas outfit on.  She loves being on the changing mat and giggles the entire time.

11.35am – We are now in the lounge and I go and make her a bottle for baby sensory. Then I pick her up for a cuddle and she falls asleep instantly – right before we are due to leave.  I enjoy a cuddle with her for 10 minutes.

11.45am – I put her into the carseat. She screams as if I have murdered her. Gather up baby, put coat on/scarf etc, locate keys, grab phone and nappy bag and leave house. She forgets about said murdering as soon as we get in the car.

12.25am – I arrive at baby sensory. I struggle to get parked as per usual. I take the baby into the building and begin queuing nicely for photographer lady.  The baby pukes on my cardigan.  I wipe it off and feel glad it’s my cardigan and not her cute Christmas outfit. I grab a muslin and chuck a MASSIVE bib over the top of her outfit. I get to the front of the photography queue to be told the photographer will resume taking photos of babies during the break. I think to myself “Youvegottobefreakingkiddingmeshellhavepukedonherselfbythenandivejustqueuedforever” and go and sit down for The Hello Song. The baby makes it fairly obvious she would rather I fed her instead.  I give her half her bottle and then go and resume waving maracas and pom poms in my baby’s face.

1pm – I resume The Queue for photographs.  Each person gets 6 photos taken and we get to choose the 4 best ones.  For some reason she only takes 5 of my baby.  Also she invites some mums to get in the photos with the baby.  She didn’t ask me – she must have thought I hadn’t made much of an effort with my appearance today. Tut.

1.15pm – Once the photos are taken, I give the baby the other half of her bottle – she can puke as much as she likes now.  At the end of the session, there is free prosecco and christmassy food and we can choose our photos.  I dither a bit about the photos.  How can I possibly say “No, I don’t like that one” about any photos of my baby????? I eventually choose which one I don’t like (as much), pay the lady and go and get my prosecco.  None left. Seriously. I am disgusted by this and grab a Bucks Fizz instead and piece of Christmas cake.  There is no easy way of holding both food/drink items and a 4 month old baby, so I down the Bucks Fizz in one (please don’t judge me) eat the cake in two bites and then start layering up the baby to go home.

2.30pm – We eventually leave and I make my way to the Baby Clinic.  We haven’t been before as the baby was weighed at the doctors not that long ago. I park up, walk to the clinic and take a number in the Waiting Room.  The baby is asleep (she is always shattered after baby sensory) so is most unimpressed to be taken out of her pram.  Everyone stares. (Yes she’s a baby, she cries – I really haven’t done anything bad to her) I tell the assembled staring people that she was asleep and I had to wake her up – I have no idea why I do that rather than just tell them to Bog Off. She soon cheers up once she is inside the clinic and laid on a changing mat as I start stripping her off and she starts to laugh (I love my weirdo daughter!). She now weighs 12lbs and is in the same percentile as she was when she was born which they were happy with.  I chat to the Health Visitor for a bit and they tell me to come back in a month (unless I am worried by anything before then).

3.30pm – We arrive home.  I start sterilising the bottles I’ve used today and put bibs/muslins/her Christmassy outfit in the washing pile.  By this time, it’s pretty obvious she could do with another bottle and a bit of a nap to be honest. I make her bottle and feed her. Halfway through the bottle, it becomes apparent that she has done a rather nasty number two.  I take her to her room and a complete change of clothes is required so I stick her in a new outfit of a vest and onesie. After she is cleaned up, I take her back to the lounge but she’s not interested in the rest of her bottle, she seems too tired so I put her down in her basket and she pretty much falls straight to sleep. I realise I haven’t eaten since the weetabix this morning so I make myself a cheese sandwich and a cup of coffee.  I sit down and eat and drink – hurrah!!!! I put more drops into the dog’s eyes (3 different types again) while my hands are free.

5pm – The dogs make it pretty obvious that it’s their tea-time so I sort bowls out and feed them and let them out for wees/poos etc. Soon after, the baby wakes so I sit her on my knee and we have a good chatter/giggle. Then she starts getting moany and as she didn’t finish her last bottle, I make her another.  She drinks all of it except 1-2oz.

5.50pm – It’s pretty much approaching her bedtime but she’s in such an active and LOUD mood that I wonder if she’s going to go to sleep! I take her down to our room anyway and change the sheet and find her a clean sleeping bag.  We have our nighttime chatter and I give her a cuddle and a kiss and turn on her slumber buddy.  I say “Night Night” and walk out.  I go in the lounge and I can hear her chatting to herself on the monitor.

6.00pm – I can hear her chatter turn into crying so I go in with the last of her bottle.  She drinks another oz , has a cuddle and looks really sleepy so I try and put her down again. This time is much more successful and she goes to sleep. Yay!

6.10pm – I realise I am starving hungry and haven’t had tea and am due out in 10 minutes.  I grab a piece of bread and eat it as it is and leg it out of the house, leaving Hubby in charge of the Sleeping Baby.

7.45pm – I get home and look in on the baby. She is fast asleep and looking ever so cute. I sterilise bottles and make myself an egg sandwich, scoff it and let the dogs out for a wee.

8.30pm -I decide that, actually, I’m just knackered.  So I make myself a cup of tea, locate a pack of jelly babies and go and sit in bed (and write this blog). I would normally sort out some washing at this point, but I can’t be bothered tonight. I reckon I’ll be fast asleep by 10.30pm.

And this is her in her cute Christmas outfit:



A blog to my pregnant self

A blog to my pregnant self

So, since I had our baby 15 and a half weeks ago, I have managed to write about 3.5 blogs.  One about giving birth (and even then I didn’t really finish the story…), a couple about Awareness Weeks and just a little one (hence the 0.5) about the fact she was here.

When I was pregnant, I had no idea where I was going to go with this blog and so vowed to ‘Stop Blogging’.  I didn’t want my blog, which essentially was about our journey to pregnancy, to turn into a ‘Mummy Blog’. So, I still don’t know where I’m going with it but I know I don’t really want to stop blogging. Sometimes it’s hard to shut me up…

Lately, I’ve been thinking about being pregnant.  It was such an amazing time, growing a little life but it really did scare the living daylights out of me.  Not because I was scared of Motherhood (although that was a bit scary) – but I worried about whether things would actually be OK and it would actually happen for us. I do wish I could go back and tell myself that it was all going to be alright and to enjoy it just a little bit more. I have no idea if it will happen to me again, so I do wish I could go back and savour those little kicks and punches and stroke my bump just one more time.

So there’s a bunch of other stuff I would tell my pregnant self – on a more practical note:

Pregnancy and giving birth

  • Giving birth is the most amazing experience ever.  Don’t worry yourself about it – your instincts will just take over and you’ll do OK. Take heaps of photos (not you – The Husband, nurses, whoever you can con into it) of before, after, during if you can bear it (but not of ‘those parts’ – it really doesn’t matter that you look like crap and have been awake for 72 hours. You’ll be high on drugs, so you won’t remember that much about it afterwards…)
  • Don’t bother reading loads of birthing books.  Your time is way better spent sleeping/eating pizza etc. Read just one if you must and cry your way through a few episodes of One Born Every Minute – but I really don’t know if Giving Birth is something you can really prepare for. That Water Birth you thought you’d have.  It won’t happen.
  • Enjoy those maternity clothes and show off that bump. It is, afterall, the only time you’ll want to emphasize your stomach. Afterwards you’ll have squat all to wear that fits so embrace it.  Afterall, you’re really not a celebrity that just ‘pings’ back into shape.
  • Get your bag packed early (you did – well done!) and pack loads of food in it!!! Don’t forget a flannel etc.  – that first shower after childbirth is like the most amazing thing EVER.

Being a ‘Mum’

  • Breast isn’t necessarily best.  Feeding your child is best with whatever works for you and them.  If the whole breast-feeding thing doesn’t work out (which in this case it really, really didn’t – a story probably for another blog and another day…), you tried and what is important most of all is a healthy child.
  • Everyone has an opinion.  Don’t listen as you will drive yourself potty.  (Unless you have specifically asked for advice from someone you trust, then listen obviously). You will also hear the following over and over: (Disclaimer – if you have said this to me, I am just taking the mick really, and I’m not annoyed with you. And this list is just a small selection of The Beauties I have heard in the last 15 weeks)

* Is she sleeping? (Well, yes, they all sleep – just not always when people think they should)

*Is she a good girl? (No, whilst we think she’s asleep in her cot, she’s out parading around town in her mini skirt and crop top)

*Ooh she’s crying – is she hungry/tired/teething/nappy needs changing? (I don’t know, I’d not thought of any of those things)…

*You need to sleep when the baby’s sleeping (Come on now, if i’ve heard this once – I’ve heard it a zillion times. This is only possible if the baby will go down in their cot for naps – and for longer than 10 minutes at that…) And if they actually do go down for their naps, this is the time to MENTALLY sort and put away washing, put another load on (invariably muslins, bibs, 3,000 vests and sleepsuits…), wash and sterilise bottles, wee, poo, shower, get dressed yourself, google any ailments you suspect your child has, read blogs, browse social media (probably uploading 3 million photos of your gorgeous baby in 16 different poses), sort any pets eating and toileting needs, do any life admin that you are WAY behind on and maybe, just maybe if you are lucky and the small child stays asleep long enough – have a HOT cup of coffee.  Sleep is for when the child goes to school, surely.

  • Get a good box set/sky package/lend lots of DVDs.  There will be days when you are glued to the sofa.  Baby snuggles and cuddles/feeding is great but you might as well watch something good at the same time.
  • Get clued up on the good baby drugs.  Calpol for a temperature.  Teether granules and Anbesol for teething.  Snufflebabes and saline drops for colds.  Stock up and never have them not on your person (or at least in the nappy bag).
  • Always have the nappy bag stocked and ready to go (and on that note, start preparing for Leaving the House an hour before being due anywhere.  Your child will invariable decide to have a sick/poo accident before you leave the house and you might as well only be a little late, rather than a lot late…)
  • If you try and sneak the baby out of the house asleep, the next door neighbour WILL appear, stick her head in the pram and bellow ‘HOW IS SHE?’ and wake her up so don’t bother trying.  The pram/car gets her to sleep in 2 seconds flat, although she will try to make out that you are murdering her as you put her in it.
  • That carseat is heavy, even without The Baby in it.  Alternate arms or your muscles will end up lopsided.
  • Everything is ‘Just a Phase’.  Colic, the not being able to do a thing because the baby will not be Put Down. The refusal to sit in the Bouncer chair. (Or anywhere else except on you for that matter). That sling you bought in pregnancy and paraded round the house with Fozzy Bear in, will be a lifesaver so you can do something other than be glued to the sofa. And before you know it, they will happily sit in their chair/go in their basket and you’ll miss those newborn snuggles.
  • Learn how to use the Travel System before The Birth. Or you may end up crying in IKEA carpark on an old couple, whose granddaughter ends up googling how to help you dismantle the carseat from the trolley bit.  Just saying.
  • Go through the next size up clothes earlier than you think.  Some clothing brands make their sizes a little smaller – or if you have gone Nearly New, the previous owner may have shrunk them a bit in the dryer.  Then you’ll get as much wear out of them as possible.
  • Leave the house everyday.  Otherwise you may drive yourself potty – and you may drive The Baby potty too.  Even if just for a walk in the park or a coffee in a cafe for a change of scenery.
  • Talk to other mums.  They will tell you that they feel the same and are experiencing similar things and you will feel sane again. Even though people may think you just sit around and drink tea and eat cake on Maternity Leave, those chats are invaluable.  And cake contains sugar.  Sugar gives you energy.  Enough said.

There’s probably a million other things I would say to my pregnant self, but right now, I need to go and fold muslins…

(Disclaimer 2 : Most of this is tongue in cheek and I love Motherhood and my daughter 200% )

Here’s a few pictures of our daughter since I last posted…







National Fertility Awareness Week

National Fertility Awareness Week

I’ve been meaning to write this post all week, and may actually get it finished before the end of the week. Why? Because my 12 week old baby has kept me busy this week! Clock changes, injections, general babyness.

You may think, why am I writing a post about Fertility Awareness when I have a baby now – I’ve ‘beaten’ my infertility so to speak.

Well, that’s just it. Infertility, and its effects and impacts, never leaves you – even when all you’ve ever wanted (a precious baby) is here.

No, I’m not being ungrateful, nor am I being greedy here. That one job that the female human body is designed to do – mine failed me. The power of science and the power of prayer gave me my lovely Felicity.  I haven’t ‘beat’ infertility.

I don’t want Felicity to grow up alone. I want her to have a sibling(s). I have kind of made peace with the fact that may not happen. Apart from the annoyingness of strangers (including a random in the hairdressers…) asking me if I’m going to have more children. Friends, I’m willing to answer that question to. Yes, I’d dearly love that to happen. But I also know that it may not. In thinking about more children, it means our fertility journey is far from over. We have one frozen embryo that we will be going back for at some point. I’m not stupid enough to think that it will definitely ‘take’. People say to me, including Health Visitors who tried to get me on contraception after F was born, ‘Oh you’ll probably get pregnant naturally’ (the whole being fertile after pregnancy thing). Well, I’m not counting on it…but watch this space, as this Fertility ‘Fight’ is far from finished.

And just to finish, a few things not to say to those 1 in 6 people fighting their own fertility battles:

Maybe it’s not meant to be

It’ll happen when the time’s right

Maybe it’s not God’s will for you to have children

Why don’t you ‘just’ adopt?

Have you thought about fostering instead?

You’re so lucky – at least you can have a full night’s sleep/go out and get drunk/go on holiday etc

Have my child/children for a day. It’ll soon put you off

Stop stressing. My friend’s next door neighbour’s cousin’s best friend’s niece got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying/went on holiday/relaxed.

Basically this week is all about sharing our stories. Mine in a nutshell is 5 years of Unexplained Infertility, 2 IVFs, one miscarriage, one precious, precious 12 week old baby.

Baby loss awareness week

Baby loss awareness week


While I was in the second half of my pregnancy, I didn’t want to blog. In fact, I took most of my blog down. I had nothing to really say.  Because I was just playing a waiting game to see if my pregnancy would work out and I could give birth to a real life baby. Being pregnant after a miscarriage is pretty scary stuff and I think only now I have Felicity here, I realise just how scared I was.

However, now, I’m sat here typing with one hand with my 9 week old rainbow baby, fast asleep, snoring beautifully in my arms. The precious little baby conceived via IVF after I miscarried our first baby. Some things are important enough to break your self imposed blogging ban. Baby Loss awareness week is one of them. Baby loss and miscarriage is one of those taboo subjects people just don’t talk about and it gets swept under the carpet – and this week is about removing that taboo. People are encouraged to share and tell their stories, which can help ‘release’ some of the grief and make people feel just that bit less alone and isolated in their experience.

Our miscarriage was a year and 3 months ago (exactly tomorrow – the date is ingrained in my brain) and I still think about her.  The grief at the time was so intense.  Now, as time has gone on – I am able to talk about that pregnancy and our loss just a bit more easily and think of it more as part of our journey to here. Saying that, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me sad, or make me wonder what she would have been like, or who she would have turned into . But not a day goes by when I don’t think of how much she changed me and I’m utterly, utterly grateful for being her mother for the 12 weeks that I carried her.

Miscarriage and Baby Loss Awareness Week (9th – 15th October) ends with a ‘Wave of Light’ at 7pm on 15th (This Saturday).


Last year, we lit two candles for an hour – Our special Ellie candle and another for our friends who have lost little ones. I’ll be doing the same this year. Please join in and light a candle on Saturday at 7pm.